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Of herbivores and haircuts
By Taylor Sullivan
tsulli21@mscd.edu

I am tired of being told the holidays I choose to celebrate are corporatized, vicious, immoral, indigenous-rights-violating monstrosities. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and turkey is my favorite bird.

I understand that corporate feedlots and poultry factories are horrible places, but this Thanksgiving, I will not take the animal-egalitarianist guilt-trip agenda that close-minded vegans and vegetarians espouse. Good for you. Way to make a conscientious choice.

But while you’re busy patting yourselves on the back, notice the sharp incisors and canines at the front of your mouth. Those aren’t for tearing me a new asshole for my immorality. They’re for ripping into delicious, savory, tender meat.

And where did they come from? Conservative meat lobbyists pushing the government for carnivore-protection legislation? No. They came from thousands of years of evolution – that damned theory you lazy liberals keep defending – that say humans are omnivores. We are supposed to eat meat.

Have you ever noticed how pallid and unhealthy most vegetarians look? It is because a vegetarian diet skimps on nutrients necessary to a healthy human diet that are expensive to supplement. It’s especially expensive for bohemian wannabe vegans who spend half their money at Watercourse Foods and the other half on their anarchist haircut.

Let me have Thanksgiving. Let me go home to my family and not worry about having to buy presents for anyone or live up to anything but being a good son and brother.

Don’t call me a murderer for eating a cage-free turkey. Just leave me alone and eat your stupidly named tofu substitute.