Students returned to classes this week feeling refreshed
and cheerful after an extended two-week spring break. As
everyone shared their stories and experiences, I am left
with the great challenge of summarizing my own. It is incredibly
difficult to gather everything that happened during my vacation.
The ten-peso coin in my pocket and the bright colored wristbands
that left me with tan lines are the only mementos of my
trip to Cancun. I sat in class with sand still in my shoes,
head aching, eyes bloodshot, and a stomach that was punishing
me for the week-long consumption of pina coladas, margaritas,
daiquiris, and electric lemonades. Images from the night
before at the Mexican strip club blurred through my head.
And with my feet blistered from dancing, hair matted from
seawater, shoulders peeling from sunburn, and a million
brain cells destroyed, I am still able to smile. Because
I know that I just had the most enjoyable and exciting spring
break trip ever. It was truly an amazing experience.
I went down there with my roommate, Brandon Brown, who is
also a Metro senior. Brandon and I didn't know what to expect,
but we considered ourselves to be veterans of spring break
from our past trips in South Padre, San Diego, and Pensacola.
Normally we empty our wallets during our vacations, but
this year we decided to save some money and go with the
bottom of the barrel. We purchased an all-inclusive package
from Sun Trips, a wholesale travel company that caters to
the needy. For roughly $1100, I got a two-way plane ticket
and a 7-night stay at a 3 star resort, which included unlimited
drinks and food. Once I heard the unlimited drinks part
I was sold.
We flew out of Denver on Ryan Air, the lowest of low fare
airlines. The plane looked like a high school wood shop
project gone bad. The flight attendants were old hags that
tried to cover their odor of cigarette smoke with cheap
blueberry perfume. The seats appeared to have been made
from recycled blue jeans and were about as comfortable as
sitting on a rock. Overhead, shoddy speakers played 1960's
elevator music and occasionally the stuttering pilot would
interrupt with a weather update. Austin Powers would have
loved it. In fact, the guy I sat next to looked and smelled
just like Fat Bastard, except without the kilt. It's hard
to imagine that an airline with such an ingenious and inventive
name as Ryan Air would be so lousy. After a three-hour flight,
we landed in Cancun where the weather was a wonderful 85
degrees. It was a big change for everyone on the flight,
who had all just experienced the second worst blizzard in
Colorado history. My arms and shoulders were still sore
from shoveling out Brandon's Saab (which is supposed to
be good in the snow) about 20 different times. So it wasn't
too hard for me to forget about Denver once I felt the hot
Mexican sun.
I soon realized that Cancun is every bachelor's dream. I
can't think of any other place in the world where there
are so many beautiful, wild, and available girls gathered
in one place. Upon arriving at Cancun International Airport,
I was instantly overwhelmed with the massive amount of hot
skin. It seems that in Cancun it is a requirement for girls
to be sexy. I assume all of the separating is done when
everyone is waiting in line for customs. Hot chicks continue
their trip into Cancun, and the rest probably get sent to
Puerto Vallarta.
We made our way out of the airport and to the hotel shuttle
pick-up. A dozen brand-new Coach USA buses were lined up
outside. Representatives from each hotel stood in front
of the buses holding signs. We watched as everyone piled
into them and reclined their luxurious seats with built
in digital televisions. Then a small Mexican luggage runner
grabbed our bags.
"Come, I show you to Solymar bus," he said.
We followed him towards the very end of the bus line where
he showed us our shuttle. It looked like a green refrigerator
on wheels and was missing all the hubcaps. As he stuffed
our luggage below, the people on the bus, which were all
senior citizens, glared at us through the windows. The side
of it was spray-painted and the taillights were burned out.
I could only roll my eyes and remind myself that it was
my own fault for buying the cheapest package possible. Either
way, it got us to the hotel and along the way I learned
the rules of Cancun: 1) Don't drink the water, 2) Don't
get arrested, and 3) If she looks too young, she probably
is.
I was expecting the worst from our hotel, but it turned
out to be pretty good. The staff was friendly, it had a
great location by the beach, and the pools were clean. The
rooms reminded me of the McDonalds Playland. Everything
was bright yellow, purple, and orange. For whatever reason,
we were given a room with one king-size bed, but had a great
view of the ocean. The beach is one of the best things about
Cancun. The sand is soft and white, the water is crystal
clear, there aren’t any jellyfish or sharks to worry
about, and it feels just as warm when you go swimming at
night. There are topless girls everywhere along the beach.
Some were playing volleyball, some were just laying out,
and others stayed close to their husbands in Speedos.
I didn’t even get my bags to my room before I was
doing shots of Tequila Sunrise. People down there force
alcohol in to you, and it doesn’t stop until you leave.
That’s why I am really only able to remember first
checking in to our hotel and then checking out. Everything
in between is a blur. Here are some of the highlights that
I recall:
- A foam party at the Grand Oasis turned ugly. The club
used way too much foam this particular time, and people
started to suffocate. I was stuck in the middle and the
foam was up to my chin (I’m 6 feet tall). People were
throwing up from choking on the foam and screaming for help.
The girl I was dancing with was completely covered, I couldn’t
even see her, I could only hear her cries to get her out.
My eyes were burning, I was completely blind, and couldn’t
move. Those who weren’t vomiting were having sex.
At least ten couples around me were getting down and dirty,
and I could only imagine how many different fluids were
mixed in with the mess. It was absolute madness and I broke
my watch from falling on the floor. Somehow we all survived,
but it definitely was a big scare for everyone.
- Brandon fell in love with a girl who went to Harvard.
They spent at least two full days together until he got
her naked and found out she wasn’t too hip with hygiene.
He said he offered her his razor before leaving.
- At Divas Gentleman’s Club, I spent most of my money
on a stripper named “Carmella”, a beautiful
Brazilian who stole my heart and most of my pesos. She had
Pamela Anderson’s body, and Penelope Cruz’s
face and accent. In the private room she gave me an extra
special dance and told me I was ‘dangerously sexy’.
I told her someday she would be my wife and offered her
my broken watch for one more song.
- On the street downtown, outside Daddy O’s, we watched
a guy get strip searched by the cops. He had to drop his
pants in front of everybody while the cop played with his
butt.
- While riding back to the hotel from Coco Bongo, a fight
broke out on the bus. While one guy was pounding the other
guy’s face, the bus driver sped up and opened all
the doors. The driver was smiling and seemed to enjoy it
when people got in fights on his bus. Eventually the guy
who lost the fight got thrown out the door of the bus and
rolled about 8 times from the sidewalk onto the street.
It looked like a scene from the Dukes of Hazard. We all
laughed hysterically.
- I met a girl from Chicago and we spent a great night out
on the beach. After skinny dipping with a big group of people,
we wandered off towards the end of the beach. I taught her
how to do something, but I can’t really remember what
it was. I’ll have to check the video camera.
- Brandon almost got us arrested when he threw a Corona
bottle at the hotel security guard. While they argued at
our door, I was desperately trying to get to know this girl
from Delaware before my 540am departure. Eventually time
ran out and I didn’t get to know her as well as I
wanted to.
- I was proud of myself for not puking once. I drank heavily
down in Cancun, with at least 15-20 drinks a day. Must have
been the altitude.
- Brandon videotaped a “special experience”
he had with some brunette (I’m horrible with names).
I was passed out on the beach when this happened, and I’m
still waiting to see it.
Anyway, that is just a few of the many, many, many things
that I remember from my trip. For those of you who have
not taken a spring break trip yet, I highly suggest it.
It will be the greatest time of your life.
