Although most guys won’t admit it, we all have wanted to get with an older woman at one time or another. Whether it was a substitute teacher or a nurse that told you to turn your head and cough, there has always been an inner desire to experience a veteran of the bedroom.

In the hit comedy American Pie and its sequel, Stifler’s mom sampled a slice of the younger generation and gave audiences something to crave. The character, played by the beautiful Jennifer Coolidge, motivated guys like myself to not be intimidated by age alone. After all, it seems that in our society today the age gap in relationships is becoming more acceptable. Hollywood celebrities such as Demi Moore, Melanie Griffith, Madonna, Liz Taylor, and Geena Davis have all robbed the cradle with their marriages and aren’t ashamed of it. And why should they be? Nobody should be looked down upon for finding a younger piece of meat (excluding R. Kelly and Michael Jackson).

According to a recent article published by the BBC, relationships with age gaps of ten to fifteen years are more likely to succeed than ones of the same age. I believe this comes from the idea that opposites attract and also because two people of different ages develop a better understanding for each other. In my brief experiences with older women, I’ve realized that there is more of a mutual respect for individual space, which is highly important in any relationship. Nobody gets too clingy and there aren’t any stupid mind games that most girls play. Not to mention that older women are never afraid to be dominant and say what is on their minds. So don’t be afraid to start dating girls who are the same age as your mom. In high school your friends would have made fun of you, but now in college, they will all envy your unique ability to successfully bring home a M.I.L.F.

The only time it becomes disgusting is when people take it to extremes. Who could forget the bizarre marriage between former Playboy bunny Anna-Nicole Smith and billionaire J. Howard Marshall. When they married she was 26 and he was 90 years old. And she swore that the marriage was not about his money (cough) right up until the day he died. Soon afterwards, she won a court battle against the old man’s family to claim the estate, valued at $1.6 billion. I can only hope that Pamela and Tommy Lee didn’t convince them to make any home videos.

BAD MOMMY

Jennifer Lemsky, 43, is a homemaker who lives an easy-going lifestyle in the hills of Englewood. She and her husband, Charles, are soon going to be celebrating their 15th anniversary, and Jennifer says they couldn’t be happier. She says while Charles is at work downtown, she spends her days shopping or cleaning the house. Their 20-year-old daughter, Stacey, recently moved out for college and Jennifer enjoys the peace and quiet. But there is something poor Charles doesn’t know about his pretty little wife. She admits that her desire to experience a younger man has recently been fulfilled.

“It was the first time I’ve cheated on my hubby,” she says. “But it was such a thrilling experience, I don’t regret it at all.”

Jennifer says she doesn’t plan on telling her husband about her recent affair and hopes to continue her ‘boy next door’ fantasy. She also says he is not likely to read this article because he is not computer literate enough. I’ll be sure to keep my fingers crossed for you Jennifer.

She said it started about two weeks ago when she saw Brian, a 22-year-old neighbor who she never really talked to before. Brian was home for most of the day, so they would often cross paths and say hello.

“I wanted him right when I first saw him,” she says. “But he was shy at first so it was a great challenge for me to get his attention.”

(Personally I find it hard to believe that it was difficult to get his attention. Jennifer is a gorgeous brunette, tan, 5’6, 125 and curves in all the right places. Shame on Brian for not jumping on it earlier.)

She said she would wear skimpy outfits while working outside in her garden and made sure to bend over a lot when he walked by. She would usually wear a pair of jean cut-off shorts that would expose her sweet cheeks and an extra small tank top to maximize her cleavage.
“I wore the sexiest outfits possible for this boy, and for days nothing happened. But then one afternoon I finally hooked him. It was the day I decided to lay out on my back porch with my top off.”

She says on this particular day it was hot enough outside to sunbathe half-naked, which she would often do during the summer. While lounging on her chair she looked up at Brian’s bedroom window and saw him standing there with his mouth open. He was trying to hide behind a curtain while he watched her, but he had obviously been spotted. While the hornball gazed at his wet dream come true, she kept her sunglasses on to make him think that she wasn’t watching. And then she decided to have a little fun. She says at this point she took some ice cubes out of her lemonade glass and started rubbing them on her boobs. And when that happened, she says little Brian couldn’t control himself and decided to take matters into his own…..hand.

“It was such a thrilling experience,” she says. “It was such a turn on for me to know that this young guy was getting excited over me.”

The next day she says she went over to his house and invited him over for cookies. But it wasn’t just for the cookies. She says it wasn’t long before they were up in the bedroom getting freaky.

“I know it sounds bad, but Brian is so much better in bed than Charles,” she says. “But as long as my level of sexual satisfaction stays high, I think my marriage will stay strong.”
Charles, buddy, if you ever read this, and I really hope you do, please buy a night with the hottest escort you can find. You deserve it.

FINE DINING AT THE SWAN

If you are looking for a special place to take a girl, I highly suggest the Swan restaurant at the Inverness Hotel and Golf Club. It is one of the most elegant and exquisite restaurants I have ever been to. In addition to their scrumptious menu, the Swan is one of only 20 AAA Four-Diamond restaurants in Colorado. But keep in mind that the girl you take to this place must be well worth your time and money. If she’s just a booty call, then she deserves nothing better than the Waffle House.

Dan Wong has been managing the Swan for the past three years and says the dining experience is one of a kind.

“It’s a romantic environment with a very intimate setting,” he says. “Our customers feel an elegant warmth upon entering and the service really speaks for itself.”

For broke college kids, the Swan may seem a bit ritzy, but Wong and his staff offer a special deal for the less fortunate. The ‘Sundown at the Swan’ special is available every night from 6pm-7pm. You can choose your entrée from an excellent menu that includes pan roasted sirloin steak, grilled Alaskan halibut, and rosemary-crusted chicken breast. And the best part of it all, it will only cost you $28. But it’s available for a limited time only, so make sure you take advantage of it soon.

You really can’t ask for a better deal from a place where you would normally have to take out a loan to eat at. Not to mention you will be rubbing shoulders with the upper crust of Denver. And I guarantee your girl will be impressed. Just make sure you act like a high roller. Be sure to valet your car out front and wear something classy.

“Our customers dress business casual,” he says. “It’s not your everyday place, so I definitely suggest your attire to be presentable.”

Adding to the Swan’s unique environment is a live classical guitarist who plays the hottest hits from the Renaissance era. Also, for certain selections on the menu, the Swan will give you a tableside preparation, where your entrée is made before your very eyes. It’s a lot more interesting than watching your Subway sandwich get made and also gives you the opportunity to become buddies with the chef. If you order the Prime New York Steak Au Poivre, you and your girl will be treated to a ‘special flame show’ that is sure to get you drooling.

The Swan experience is different than your average restaurant in the sense that there is more focus on the platter itself. The chefs treat your entrée like a Bob Ross painting and strive for perfection. Be sure to bring a girl that is good at conversation because you will spend an extended period of time enjoying yourself. Dave Wickman, a longtime server of the Swan always suggests table 46 for couples.

“It’s dark and cozy over there,” he says. “You could really get to know somebody at that table.”

Unfortunately during my visit, table 46 was taken, but all of my worries went away when I saw the dessert menu. Frozen tropical fruit soufflé, pistachio crème brulee, chocolate pate, the cheese plate, and the ever-so delicious melting chocolate cake. I picked the melting chocolate cake, made from vanilla bean ice cream and malted crème Anglaise. The plate was presented so perfectly, I wanted to take a picture of it. A long, triangular pastry stands tall behind the cake, and four little raspberries sit comfortably on a lake of vanilla ice cream. When I sliced the circular cake open with my spoon, hot fudge oozed out from the inside and I stuffed my face into it. And the taste, …….ooooooooh, Krispy Kreme eat your heart out! I licked the plate clean and was dying for more.

All together the Swan gave me a very memorable experience thanks to the incredibly talented staff, wonderful food, and a perfect setting. Now, if only I could find a girl worthy of taking to this wonderful place. Maybe I’ll give Jennifer a call.

To make your reservation at the Swan Restaurant,
call (303) 799-5800