With Easter coming up this weekend, you have a great opportunity to show off your cooking skills for a girl.  It’s a known fact that girls love it when you cook for them, even if you aren’t very good at it.  For Thanksgiving, the tradition has always been a tasty, plump turkey.  For Christmas, it’s usually a slab of heavenly baked ham.  And believe it or not, for Easter, your girl will fall for you if you make her a good, juicy, wild roasted rabbit. 

Now, don’t be intimidated, I know that capturing a wild rabbit and roasting it in your oven sounds a bit challenging, but it’s really much easier than you think.  All you have to do is go to your local hardware store and ask for their best rabbit trap.  The most you will end up paying is $10 and it guarantees that you will capture a rabbit within 12 hours.  Then you set the trap in a wooded area, or a place that you know of where rabbits hang out (on campus, a lot of rabbits loiter near the Mercantile restaurant).  Inside the trap, you place some cucumbers and carrots on the trigger device.  Pretty soon, one of those rabbits will wander into the cage and take a bite from the bait, which then triggers the door to shut behind it.  It’s that simple! 

Once you have the rabbit inside the cage, you don’t need to do anything more than toss it in the oven.  The cage itself is able to handle oven temperatures, so you can use it more than once.  The following is a fabulous recipe for cooking rabbit, thanks to (www.roastingwildrabbit.com). 

-Once you have your rabbit in the cage, take it home and set it on the kitchen counter, and make sure it’s out of reach from children and other animals.

-KEEP THE RABBIT IN THE CAGE AT ALL TIMES (If they get out, they are difficult to catch, and they do bite).

-Take a pizza pan and place it beneath the cage.

-Take 3 eggs and crack them over the cage.  Make sure most of the egg yolk gets dropped onto the torso and settles into the fur.

- Add 3 tsp of sugar and _ lb of flour.

-Shake the cage a bit so the sugar and flour mixes with the eggs.  At this point the rabbit may growl at you, but you will be fine as long as you keep your fingers away from the cage.

-Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

-Add a few pinches of salt, pepper, and oregano.

-(Optional) Dump 3 servings of chocolate Jell-O pudding into the cage mixed with _ cup of boysenberry sauce.

-Toss it in the oven for 45 minutes (be sure to turn your stereo up at high volume)

-Once tender, take out and let cool.  This delicious meal will serve 5.    

POOR BOY DATES

College students are always looking for different ways to save money.  And when it comes to dating, saving money can be a great challenge.  Let's face it, most girls these days are high maintenance, gold-digging, green-eyed, greedy vixens that won't hesitate to dump you for the next fat wallet.  And after they leave you penniless and heart-broken, you end up sitting at home alone on Friday nights eating old pizza and smoking joints while you watch the latest Teletubbies episode.  It's not a pretty picture.

So is it really worth it to cash in your paycheck to impress a girl? No way.  The best idea is to take them out on cheap dates.  Here are a few that I suggest:

LIGHT-RAIL EXPRESS                          Cost:  $6

This is a great date for those who appreciate Colorado history and the beautiful sights of Denver.  You start off by parking your car at the RTD light-rail station at Mineral and Santa Fe.  Make sure you equip yourself with a snow sled and a Colorado tour guide.  Take the sled with you on the train and when she asks what it's for, just tell her it's a surprise.  While on the train, be sure to look through your tour guide and point out facts about the city and its history.  She will be thoroughly impressed with your knowledge and accuracy.  Get off the train at the 10th and Osage stop, and take her inside to The Buckhorn Exchange, Denver’s oldest restaurant.  The Buckhorn was built in the late 19th century and the inside remains amazingly preserved since its doors first opened.  Sit down at a table, but make sure you order nothing but water and croutons.  The menu tends to be a bit pricey.  The waiter will hate your guts, but don't worry; you'll never see him again in your life.  

After you are finished, get back on the train heading towards Denver.  Be sure to continue using your tour guide booklet for more interesting facts.  Get off the train at Auraria and walk towards Speer Blvd.  In between Speer Blvd. North and South, the Platte River trickles down, heading into the city.  Using your sled, take your girl on a romantic river trip into the city.  You both will get really wet, but the experience itself is well worth it. 

After you paddle a few miles, get off the river and hail a taxi.  The cab fare back to the light rail station at Auraria should only be a few dollars.  The train will continue into the five-points area.  Get off at 20th and Welton, and just a few blocks west is a great place for you and your girl to enjoy some real soul food.  The place is cheap and I hear the chicken is great.  After that, get back on the train, which will eventually hit the end line and head back to Mineral and Santa Fe.  All together, this is a date that is sure to be a success, and will also save you a great deal of money.

PISTACHIO PICNIC                  Cost:  $4

Brandon Brown brushes his teeth before one of his cheap dates. He believes girls are never worth spending any money on.

My roommate, Brandon Brown, is the master of this one.  Before the date he pays a visit to his parent’s house when they aren’t home and loots the place.  He says he takes almost everything out of the pantry: sugars, creams, cereal, cookies, chips, spices, bread, and pretty much all that is edible.  Then he randomly selects a girl out of his black book and invites her over for a “special date”.  The girl comes over to our place and then he slips a blindfold over her eyes.  Then he takes her to this grassy hill near our house.  It’s in a very remote area and has a great view.  From there he says he walks her up the hill to the picnic spot and takes the blindfold off.  Sitting on the grass in front of her is the whole spread.  All the food he stole from his parent’s house is right there on a big red blanket, and everything looks delicious.  He usually spends the hour before she arrives setting up the whole thing on the hill.  And it was well worth it; he says every girl he’s pulled this scam on has been very excited with the whole picnic gig.

In the center of the blanket is a big bowl of pistachios that he picked up from Safeway after robbing his Mom’s kitchen.  It’s the only thing he actually spends money on.  He says he offers the bowl to the girl while he sings songs out of his favorite poetry book, “Love lights my world”.  How cheesy.  Sounds like a date designed by Ned Flanders. 

And the funniest part about it all is that Brandon has no intention of sharing any of the food with his date.  After he finishes his wannabee American Idol performance, he makes his cell phone ring by pressing the alert button when she’s not looking.  Then he acts like it’s an emergency call that will unfortunately cancel the rest of the date.  He makes himself look stressed out and panicked, and rushes the girl home before promising a rain check.  The girl of course is sad that such a romantic date had to end early, but still admires the fact that a guy would go out of his way to make such a marvelous presentation.  After dropping her off, Brandon goes back to the picnic spot and takes all the food back to our house.  And suddenly our pantry, which was once empty, is now filled with great things.  So in the end, Brandon managed to kill two birds with one stone.  He romanced a girl that is sure to go out with him again, and at the same time loaded our house with grub.  And to think that it was all free of charge from his mother’s kitchen.  Wow.  Stealing from your Mom…. I don’t think it gets any cheaper than that.   

FREEBIE AT THE ZOO                               Cost:  $2

The zoo has always been a great place for couples.  Girls are easily romanced over fuzzy animals that smell like poop.  On the East end of the Denver Zoo, there is a break in the fence that a lot of people don’t know about.  Apparently this happened when one of the elephants escaped a few years ago, and they never fully repaired it.  Take your date over to that end and slip in between the fence.  If she asks about it, just tell her that it’s the VIP entrance.  The only cash you should have to fork over is for a bag of peanuts.

FLY BYES IN THE NIGHT SKIES                         Cost:  $3

This is a great date for all of you risk takers.  I’ve done this date several times and it always works out well.  At Centennial Airport in Englewood, its very easy to get past the security gate on the South end and walk onto the runway.  Bring a sleeping bag and a pound of gummy worms.  Proceed to the very South end of the runway furthest West.  The best time to do this is about 10pm.  Lay your sleeping bag down at least 50 feet from the start of the runway in the weeds (this is important to remember, otherwise a leer jet will land on your face).  Also, make sure you wear dark clothing so you won’t be spotted by the airport security.  Keep in mind that this date is also a federal offense and will land you in prison for a long time if you get caught.

While you both cuddle in the sleeping bag feeding each other gummy worms, jets will fly over your head every 15 minutes.  This is a good first-date to go on with a girl because you will be doing a lot of talking in between fly-overs.  You can brag about how you used to be a pilot and why you are so much better than Maverick in Top Gun.  And it’s always a rush every time one of those jets fly over you.  In the end, this date is cheap, exhilarating, and dangerously fun. 

CAMP OUT WITH YANNI                         Cost:  $0   

I haven’t done this date before, but I think it would be awesome.  There’s nothing like romantic music to smooth a girl over.  And Yanni is one of the greatest musicians for lovers.  He tours America pretty often and is bound to end up at Fiddlers Green in Denver sooner or later.  And when that happens, you need to be ready.  But don’t plan on actually going to the concert, because the tickets are outrageously expensive.  All you need is a tent, some blankets, and some food for the night.  With this, you could be like Brandon and steal from your parents’ kitchen.  On this particular date, I suggest Triscuits and grapes.  Find the closest, grassy area you can get to outside of Fiddlers Green.  And that’s where you will pitch your tent for the remainder of the night.  Since Fiddlers Green is an open concert arena, you will have no trouble hearing the beautiful music that is played.  You’re girl is sure to be impressed, and if any cops try to bother you, just tell them that you are homeless and have nowhere else to stay.  The Greenwood Village Police have never handled homeless people before, so they most likely will just smile and walk away.  This date is definitely a winner.

FROM DENVER TO HELL

Matt Maher is stuck where the big cows roam

When my older brother, Matt Maher, moved from Denver, he thought he was making the right choice.  As a young, cocky, talented new pilot for the United States Navy, and recent Metro State graduate, he arrived with high spirits; eager to get started his career in the skies.  But it didn’t take him long to find out that the place he moved to was a twinkie’s worst nightmare.  Welcome to Kingsville, Texas.

Matt moved to Kingsville with his newlywed, Natalie, and the couple found a nice one-bedroom apartment in the center of town.  Matt stayed busy during the day with his flight training, and Natalie filled her time working at a quaint little doughnut shop near their house.

“It started off great,” he says.  “But now I hate it here.  I miss Denver.  Now I’m stuck in a place made up of 80% welfare, and everywhere I look there’s a walking pork-grind.” 

There’s no question that the majority of “large” Americans live in the state of Texas.  In fact, I was born in Texas, weighing in at 10lbs 9oz.  It must be something in the air down there.  And while Matt wakes up everyday hating the town he lives in, people in Denver take for granted how healthy our city is.  That’s why Denver is such a great city for bachelors, because there are a lot of good-looking people walking around. 

Down in Kingsville, Matt says the dating life is lopsided.  He says anyone who weighs under 275lbs gets harassed.  At Natalie’s doughnut shop, her customers often call her “the carrot stick girl” and leave cookies and crumb cake in her tip jar.  He describes the clubs down there as a “fat sweat box”, and says the dance floors get repaired every 3 months.  He says the town is dominated by fast food chains, and that even the vegetables are lathered in butter and lardy cream.  His only escape is when he takes to the skies in his T-45 Goshawk.

“And even then, I can still see the fat tubs walking around town,” he says.  “Depending on what color of outfit they bought from Ample Duds, sometimes it blinds me, and that’s from 20,000 feet.” 

Matt says it’s a no-win situation.  All of his friends, co-pilots, and instructors have given in to the obese town, and have been dating the overly sized women with no shame.  He says he painfully watches them go on burgers n’ bowling dates and finish the night off with buckets of ice cream and strip poker. 

“It’s disgusting,” he says.  “Kingsville sucks, I hate it more than anything.  Everyone in Denver should love their town.  Love it while it lasts.”