Many of you have been emailing me asking for advice on your love life, relationships, etc. Keep in mind that I am no expert in this field, but rather a normal guy who is just enjoying the single life. Here are a few Q&A.

*Jeff, me and my buddies went to Shotgun Willies last week and I got a phone number from one of the strippers. Is this something I should pursue?

Brian, Denver

Brian, it’s never a good idea to mess around with a stripper. I’ve tried it a few times until I realized that if they aren’t lesbians, then they have some serious baggage or mental issues. They will try and hide the fact that they have 3 kids and an ex-boyfriend about to get out of prison for as long as possible. Even if you are looking for a one night stand with the girl, she isn’t. It’s her job to tease all sorts of white trash on a daily basis, and if she wanted a quickie, she could get it at any time. With you, she is most likely hoping that you will help raise her kids and boost her self esteem. And imagine where she’s been. A lot of strippers these days are former escorts who got tired of banging fat men in hotel rooms. But if you are looking for a village bicycle with thorns on the seat, go for it. Otherwise, I highly suggest you forget about it and move on. But be sure to leave her a dollar.

*Recently, I came back from a two-week vacation from Florida, and I suspect that my girlfriend cheated on me while I was down there. I think this may have happened because I found another dude’s sweater in our apartment behind the bed. What should I do?                

Dave, Arvada

Wow, that’s a toughie. If you are both living together, things can get even more complicated with something like this. I suggest you go to Kmart, and buy a set of those cheap black and white cameras that connect to your VCR. Right now you can get 4 cameras and all the wires for $99. They are about the size of a webcam, and can easily be hidden in the rooms. Then, just tell her you are going away again and see what happens. This would be well worth it, because if she’s messing around with some other guy, there’s nothing better than to show her real evidence of it happening. Not to mention you will get to see who the guy was, so you can get some practice in with your baseball bat.

*I went to a bar the other night and met this great girl. She was my total dream girl at the bar, but the next day we went out and it was entirely different. What went wrong?

Steven, Westminster

I don’t know what to tell you Stevie. I would need some more information about her. There are a number of things that can go wrong when you meet a chick at a bar and then get together the next day. Maybe you had your beer-goggles on at the bar and then found out how ugly she was when you were sober. That happened to me during spring break in Cancun. At Coco Bongo I was all over this chick who I thought looked identical to Shakira. The next day I was told by my roommate that only her face looked like Shakira, and her body looked like Mimi Bobeck’s (Drew Carey’s nightmare). Alcohol can do some awful things to you.

On the other hand, maybe she was gorgeous and had a great personality at the bar, but then was a different person later on. This also happened to me last week when I went to the Stampede. I met this beautiful girl there and got her number. A few days later I took her out to dinner and she had zero personality. She was completely anti-social and had nothing to say. She was by far the most boring girl I had ever taken out. At the bar, she was wild and fun to be around. This is also caused by alcohol. The truth is, most people are different when they are drunk, and you can only see their true character outside of the bar. And often you won’t like what you see.

*Jeff, my girl has been really frustrated with my premature ejaculations, is there anything I can do?              

Mike, Denver

Mike, don’t worry, there are millions of other guys out there who suffer from P.E.S. (premature ejaculation syndrome). Although most of them are in middle school, just realize you aren’t alone. There are a number of things that you can do to cure your problem. The first is to close your eyes the next time you have sex with her and think of an older, fatter woman. The hideous thought of you slamming those waves of fat will soon bring you to the point of limpness. The instant you begin losing arousal, open your eyes and you will be good to go. Continue this process until she is satisfied. However if your girl is already a heavyweight, then you will just have to start thinking of naked guys.

Or, you could try doing it to an inspiring soundtrack. I highly suggest the soundtrack from the Rocky movies. The hard hitting songs like “Eye of the tiger” and “Victory is ours” are sure to help your endurance.

Lastly, if nothing is working for you, then you will have to try the secret Asian sex recipe that many P.E.S. people use. The next time you get ready to screw, cover your rod with soy sauce and pepper. I know it sounds weird, and I’ve never tried it, but I hear good things about it. If anything, she won’t taste like fish afterwards.

*In one of your last few articles, you wrote about dating older women. I have wanted to get with one of my Mom’s friends for a long time, but I’m scared to approach. What do you suggest?                      Jake, Aurora

First, you need to find out if she’s interested in you or not. A lot of older women refuse to show their craving for a younger buck, and need a little stimulation. The next time you see her; ask if she will take you out for ice cream. Remember that she’s used to seeing you as that cute, little, innocent mama’s boy. You need to gradually show her that you are all grown up now and can satisfy her in every way. So take it slow, and continue going out with her as if you were in Kindergarten. Offer to mow her lawn (no pun intended), plant trees, and babysit her kids. And then, once you know the time is right, make your move. But make sure that when you do decide to go for it, that you feel a vibe from her that she wants it, otherwise it could backfire.