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For most college students, being constantly broke is something
they’re willing to deal with until they get a real job.
They live a life that consists of Top Ramen for dinner, taking
their dates out to the dollar theatre, and searching underneath
pillow cushions for extra cash. They use the term, ‘I’m
in college’, as an excuse for their empty wallets and
El Caminos parked outside. They wear scrubby shirts, shop
at second-rate stores, and save their empty Pringles cans
to store dirty laundry. They rarely shave, they use the sink
as a shower, toothpaste as deodorant, and they think soap
is just the name of a TV show from the 80’s. Personally,
I’m not one to make excuses.
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MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
It's what life is all about
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What these college kids don’t realize is how important
the time frame is while they’re living this type of
life. The college years just happen to also be the years of
your prime. It’s the time when you aren’t bald,
you don’t have love handles, no wrinkles, and you haven’t
begun to develop the ‘grassy back’ syndrome just
yet. Overall, it’s a time where you can have your shirt
off at the pool and not get laughed at.
So, let’s say you graduate between the ages of 22-24.
That’s great, congratulations, now you’re ready
for the real world. You find a job that relates to your major
(hopefully), and then you sit back and watch the money start
to pile up. Oops, reality check, you graduated from Metro
State. You might be better off than Mike Tyson is right now,
but let’s face it, you didn’t receive your degree
from Princeton University. It looks like you’re going
to have to work a little bit harder for a while longer before
your money tree starts to grow. So, for the next 8-10 years
you work really hard and get a few raises here and there.
You’re making a decent salary, but it’s not even
close to what you really want to be making. And the depression
you get from your mediocre paychecks has made you search for
companionship, so now you’re shackled up with a wife
and a few kids. Rookie mistake. Now you’re wondering
where all of your money is going. Let me remind you that by
this time, you’re well into your 30’s and far
from the college kid you once were. You’ve also begun
to realize that the bright lights of the single life have
faded away. Now, there’s nobody to impress anymore,
so you decide to level out. You stop striving to make more
money and buy cool things, and decide to become an average
Joe. You pretend to be happy living in your suburbia home
with a mini-van and Toyota Camry parked in the garage. At
work, you hide in your cubicle from everyone else and only
do the bare minimum. You don’t make a difference, and
you don’t make yourself stand out in any way.
You continue this process for several more years.
Your kids are teenagers now, your marriage is on the rocks,
and the mirror in your bathroom has become your biggest fear.
Welcome to your 40’s. It happened that quickly. You
come home from work and watch a few TV shows with your kids.
Their favorite show is Cribs on MTV, so you watch as young
celebrities show off their mansions, Bentleys, and expensive
little toys. You act like it doesn’t bother you, but
it does. You go to sleep wondering what could have been, and
asking yourself what if.
A few more years pass by and you’re about as depressed
as a child losing a kitten. Everyday is like the one before
and you begin questioning your purpose in life. You and you’re
wife have decided to divorce after the kids leave for college,
so you patiently wait a few more long years.
Finally, the kids are gone and so is the wife. You’re
single again. Congratulations! Now, you’re ready to
live the fun life again and start cruising for chicks. You
also notice that you’ve got a lot more money than ever
before. Imagine that. Your paychecks are being spent only
on yourself, and you have a lot of cash to go around. You
decide to trash the Camry and mini-van, and buy a brand new
bright-red Porsche Boxster. Wow, look at you now! Girls everywhere
will be begging you to take them out. You can call up all
your college buddies and hit the town just like the old days.
Life is good again!
Oops, reality check, you’re fifty-years-old. You won’t
be getting any girls like you did back in college. You’re
too old now. And you’re too ignorant to realize that
you’re going through the typical mid-life crisis.
So, you end up driving your hot little car around high school
parking lots hoping some beautiful girls will hop in for a
ride.
They won’t.
You go to the dance clubs and sit in the corner staring at
everyone else having fun, hoping that a girl will come talk
to you.
She won’t.
You become a pervert at work and try for dates with interns
and new hires. You frequent local bars on your business trips
hoping to find some lonely women.
Nice try.
You become a regular at all the strip clubs in town. You
know all the girls by name, and they know you. It makes you
feel special. So special that you forget the fact that they
only care about your money, and you think they actually enjoy
your company.
How sad.
You begin a rigorous workout plan to lose the fat, where
you run on a treadmill for twenty minutes a day, and do twelve
pushups at night.
Ha!
The only dates you’ll get are in the yellow pages,
and they charge by the hour. You spend the rest of your life
sad and lonely, and wishing you could turn back the hands
of time.
Not a pretty picture, is it?
It’s a sad reality that happens too much in our world
today. That’s why me and my roommate, Brandon Brown,
decided to start making money while still in school. This
way, we can look back when we’re older and be able to
say there were no hard struggles during college. And even
though Brandon has to deal with the fact that he sells his
body on Colfax for the pleasures of other men, at least he
still has some money to spend. We enjoy our money to its fullest
extent, we fancy all of the girls that come with it, and get
the most out of everything.
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NICE RIDES
Brandon's Saab and my Mercedes aren't your average
college kids cars. It's good to have a lot of money
to spend.
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THE CAR
It’s important to have a nice car when you’re
single. Most girls will act like they don’t care what
you drive, but they really do. It’s one of the first
things they’ll tell their friends after a first date
with you.
Every time I go out with a girl on a first date, I’m
always the one who drives. And when we’re walking out
to my parking lot for the first time, I’ll find the
ugliest, cheapest, most beat-up car in the lot and walk towards
it. Then, I’ll take my keys out and act like it’s
my car. This way, I can look at the girl’s facial expressions
and see if she’s like most greedy vixens. Still to this
day, I haven’t been out with a girl who hasn’t
made some sort of crude comment about it or showed a face
of disgust. Of course, after I see what I need to see, I’ll
walk over and get into my real car and watch as their sad
faces turn to joy. It’s amazing. We live in a money-hungry
society where your dating life is only good for how many bills
you’ve got.
If you don’t have a lot of money to spend, I suggest
you get a motorcycle. At least with that, girls won’t
really be able to tell if you’re dirt poor or not. And
if you have money to spend on a decent car, please don’t
think that you’ll be cool driving around in a Honda
with all sorts of random modifications done to it. The Fast
and the Furious was just a movie, it’s not real life,
and there’s no sexy girls in tight leather waving a
checkered flag at the end of the road. And if you’re
that guy who’s racing everybody off the line to show
off how loud your muffler is, let me spare you the suspense.
We’re all laughing at you. You’re not cool, you’re
not important, and you’re not Vin Diesel. You’re
the same guy who put a pop can on the back of your bicycle
when you were a kid to make it sound like a motorcycle. I
hope you run straight into a light pole.
Personally, I have a love for European cars. I’ve driven
three different Mercedes-Benz models, and have grown to appreciate
each one. I think they’re built to last inside and out,
and have a classy look. Maintenance can be expensive, but
overall it’s worth having one.
My roommate, Brandon “anything goes” Brown, cruises
around in a Saab 9-3. It’s incredibly fast and has gotten
him in trouble numerous times with the law. He’s also
got a great sound system and 19” inch rims that make
every ghetto child jealous.
“Dey love it in da ride,” he says. “Awl
deese girlies see da rims be spinnin an tell me it’s
dope yo. Iz all good.”
Rims have made great advancements in recent years. They also
seem to keep getting bigger. I remember hearing rap songs
where they would brag about their 16” inch rims on a
dropped Impala. Not long after that, it was only cool to have
17’s, and then 18’s. Now, I’m hearing Ludacris
rapping about 24” inch rims on Escalades, and oh yeah,
they keep on spinning. The car itself stops, but another layer
of rim continues to spin, making it look as if it were still
in motion. Cool, right? Pretty soon, it’s going to be
30” inch chrome rims that keep on spinning, and also
have flashing lights on them. There won’t be room for
any tread on the actual tire, so it’s just going to
be a large metallic rim on your car. And it’s going
to be bigger than the wheel well, so you won’t be able
to turn left or right, but don’t worry, you’ll
still be cool. Because it keeps on spinning! I think Toys
R Us gets all the credit for that idea.
CONTACT JEFF MAHER AT: maherje@mscd.edu
THIS WEEK’S AVAILABLE BACHELORETTE
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MEET MELISSA HART
She's looking for a guy to please with her Puerto
Rican massage techniques.
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Melissa Hart, 20, is an aspiring massage therapist in search
of a man to ease her pain. Hart gives at least ten massages
a day in her business, Rub With Love, which is run out of
a Motel 6 off Federal Boulevard. She says the money is great,
but she goes home everyday in severe pain.
“My hands hurt so bad at the end of the day,”
she says. “It would be so great to have a guy who would
be willing to give me a massage every now and then.”
Hart has been working for Rub With Love for the past six
months. They specialize in Puerto Rican massages, which bring
a unique selection of rubs to the table. Hart says the house
favorite is the ‘crack a coconut on my back while I
eat a banana’ massage, which goes for $45 per hour.
“Basically what we do is we heat up a freshly picked
coconut in the microwave, and then crack it on the customers
spine,” she says. “And then the warm coconut milk
oozes onto their skin, and we rub it in using cinnamon bamboo
sticks.”
Another popular massage at the Rub With Love is the newly
added ‘choking grape thumbtack push’ massage,
which goes for $55 per hour. Hart says it’s one of her
favorites to give.
“With that one, we turn the customer over on their
back and begin stuffing grapes down their throat,” she
says. “Once they start choking on them, we puncture
their torso with several thumbtacks until they’re bleeding
profusely on the table. Then we clean it up with one of our
towels.”
Hart says the most difficult massage to give is the famous,
‘Mediterranean ultimate stress reliever’ massage,
which costs a whopping $400 per hour. She says customers appreciate
it because of the three therapists working on you at the same
time.
“With this particular massage, there’s a lot
of focus on the client, “ she says. “One therapist
sits the client firmly on top of an angry porcupine, another
pours a gallon of boiling water on the client’s tongue,
and the third shoots a harpoon through each shin. It really
relieves a lot of stress.”
She says Rub With Love realizes that students get stressed
out from school, but can’t afford to pay the high prices.
That’s why they offer a special student massage called,
‘the slurpie peeler’, costing a mere $15 per hour.
With this massage, the client sits in a Jacuzzi sipping on
a mango-flavored slurpie from 7-11. At the same time, the
therapist sits behind the client, peeling the skin off their
back using a potato skinner.
“It’s one of our more popular ones,” she
says. “The water can get kind of nasty though, with
chunks of skin and blood floating everywhere, but I like to
hear them scream with pleasure.”
When Hart isn’t busy making people feel good, she enjoys
spending time in the mountains. Every winter, she takes a
group of friends on a campout at Hoopers Bluff in Beaver Creek.
But it’s not your average campout. It’s more…..umm……natural.
“People think it’s so weird to have an all-nude
campout,” she says. “But the truth is, most people
can’t say they’ve hugged a deer naked before.
I can. I like to feel as one with Mother Nature.”
Hart’s weeklong campout enforces strict rules, like
no alcohol, no drugs, and no boys allowed. It’s just
ten wild girls running around naked in the woods.
“A lot of the girls wish they could bring their boyfriends
along,” she says. “But it’s important that
we are all able to concentrate on our real purpose out there,
which is joining our soul with the wilderness.”
She says during the days at the campout, each girl pretends
to be an animal. It’s a technique that Hart believes
helps them all better understand the meaning of life.
“I usually am the one who pretends to be a monkey,”
she says. “I like to jump from tree to tree and scratch
my armpits. The other girls pretend to be rabbits, donkeys,
goats, and pigs. It’s such a great time.”
Hart also enjoys doing things people would call normal. She
likes to go shopping at Heritage Square, participate in paddleboat
races, and go on picnics. She does volunteer work at numerous
assisted living centers, where she teaches swimming lessons
and hosts bingo tournaments.
She’s looking for a guy who’s fit, funny, goal
oriented, and knows how to ride a dirt bike. She prefers men
ages 24-30, who are willing to spoil her and take her out
to some nice Italian restaurants.
So there you have it guys, I’m giving you a wonderful
gift. A girl who gives great massages and supports nudism…..what
more could you possibly ask for?
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET MELISSA HART, EMAIL OUR CUPID CONNECTOR
AT: bzsaab@yahoo.com
THIS WEEK’S AVAILABLE BACHELOR
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MEET ROB CARLSON
He claims Bill Gates stole all of his ideas for Microsoft.
He wants a girl who can take out his anger on.
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Rob Carlson, 35, is a computer genius who has a bone to pick
with Bill Gates. Carlson claims that Gates stole his idea
for developing the world’s first personal computer,
and went on to make over $60 billion.
Carlson, now works at Radio Shack making $9.35 an hour, and
says Gates has no idea what’s coming to him.
“That selfish, back-stabbing, copycat, good for nothing
piece of orangutan dung has no clue what I’m about to
unleash on him and his corporation,” he says. “I’ve
put together the best team of reasonably priced lawyers to
help take down that evil man, and give me every penny I deserve.”
Carlson claims to have been good friends with Gates before
he made it big in the software industry. He said on the night
of April 18th, 1985, he and Gates decided to go get drunk
at Bondini’s Backyard, a popular bar in Albuquerque,
New Mexico. At the time, Gates was depressed because he had
just been fired from a local pet store, and all of his computer
ideas were going nowhere, so Carlson decided to buy him a
few drinks to ease the stress.
While drinking at the bar, Carlson says he told Gates all
of his big ideas for the future. At the time, he didn’t
think his friend would remember everything he said, patent
it with his name on it, and go on to become one of the richest
men to ever walk the face of the Earth.
“I told him about the company I was getting ready to
start, called Smallsoft,” he says. “And of course
that jerk goes on to start Microsoft. I also told him about
my Doors program that would make everything about computing
easier, and he goes on to develop Windows. Amazing coincidence,
don’t you think? I even told him about my $50 million
dream house that I was going to build on Lake Washington.
Well, guess where he’s living right now?”
Carlson says the pain he has endured with the whole issue
is indescribable. He says the worst part is the fact that
Gates hasn’t given him a nickel.
“I’ve sent him letters, emails, faxes, and everything
else politely asking him to call me so we can sort this out
like gentlemen,” he says. “But I still haven’t
gotten a response back. I even sent him a videotape that showed
my terrible living conditions to try and get some sympathy.
Then again, I guess he didn’t respond to that because
at the very end of the tape I spit on the lens and starting
calling him names.”
Carlson is looking for a girl who will take his mind away
from all of his troubles. He prefers brunettes who have a
knack for computing.
“I don’t want some random idiot,” he says.
“She has to be smart, and she has to love computers,
and she has to hate Bill Gates.”
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET ROB CARLSON, EMAIL OUR CUPID CONNECTOR
AT: bzsaab@yahoo.com
HATE MAIL
It’s not nice to make fun of homeless people. Just
because you’re well off doesn’t mean you’re
any better. And I seriously doubt he appreciated having his
picture posted like that.
Megan, Aurora
I wasn’t making fun of him Megan. The purpose of that
particular column was to show that you can still enjoy the
single life, even if you’re a smelly bum. And he didn’t
care about having his picture published after I told him I
would buy him a sausage McMuffin for it.
J.M.
The column about the homeless guy was good, but I didn’t
like hearing about his cat getting run over by a car. That
happened to my cat once and reading that brought back bad
memories.
Andrea, Denver
Well, then I guess it was smart of me to not write about
the fact that he peeled it off the road and ate it for dinner
that night.
J.M.
I hope you never consider being a politician or anything,
because, man, this stuff you write about will come back to
haunt you.
Dan, Salt Lake City, Utah
Thanks for the advice, man, but to be honest I actually considered
running for office and representing the people someday. But
then I became educated and realized that I would rather have
a massage therapist crack a hot coconut on my spine, shoot
harpoons through both of my shins, pour boiling water on my
tongue, choke me with grapes, puncture my torso with several
thumbtacks, sit me on an angry porcupine, and peel my skin
off using a potato skinner than become a politician.
J.M.
FAN MAIL
Your column is so great! I wish everybody could write with
such honesty and bluntness. I especially like the drunk issue!!!
I keep wondering though - how Do you still get dates...cuz
honestly you sound like a selfish jerk! Do you lie to these
girls?
Jessie, Denver
These days it seems that selfish jerks have a better chance
at getting dates than the nice guys. Girls enjoy it when guys
are mean to them. No, I don’t lie to them, in fact,
sometimes I can be a little too honest. I recall going on
a first date once and telling the girl she needed to lose
15 pounds before she was ever allowed to call me again. Needless
to say, I got a call back from her a month later after she
tried the Subway diet. It worked for her, and she thanked
me for being so blunt.
J.M.
I’ve read all of your columns and I think they’re
awesome, but lately they’ve gotten to be too long. It’s
hard on the eyes to scroll down a column for so long. You
should try to shorten them up a bit. Research shows that staring
at a computer for extended periods of time causes constipation.
Matt, Whidbey Island, Washington
This column is what some people call, ‘toilet reading
material’. It’s not meant to be looked at on the
computer. You’re supposed to print it out and bring
it with you before you go push out a few Lincoln logs. It’s
long because I know some people sit on the pot for hours at
a time, and need some good entertainment. If you’re
constipated, I suggest you make yourself a bowl of hot beef
stew with a stick of butter mixed in. Have a few spoonfuls
of that and you should be blowing out mudslides in no time.
J.M.
You are really funny, and the girls that you feature are
gorgeous. I’m happily married, but seeing girls like
that bring back memories from my wild college days. I miss
those good times.
Andrew, Tucson, Arizona
Time to get a divorce Andrew.
J.M.
