Vegas. Vegas. Vegas. Just hearing the name gives me chills.
Coming back from a Vegas vacation just before the beginning
of school is something I don’t suggest to anybody. Here
I am ready to face my last semester of college, the most important
one, and my mind is bouncing off the walls. Instead of thinking
about post-graduation life, I’m making plans for my
next trip. Instead of paying tuition, I’m wondering
where $1,300 went in 4 days. Instead of sending out resumes
and carefully selecting a job market, I’m starting a
diet plan to become a Chippendale.
Vegas really corrupted me, but I’ve got no regrets.
If anything, the trip opened my eyes to new opportunities
and paths for my future. The city is absolutely perfect for
singles. In fact, many locals say whoever came up with the
name ‘Sin City’ was too wasted to remember adding
the ‘g-l-e’ at the end. And I can see why. Everyone
down there was hot and looking to hook up.
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A BORING HOMECOMING
It was quite depressing
coming home to Denver after partying for a week in Vegas.
|
Las Vegas isn’t a place to take your family. Many tourists
make that mistake and end up cooped up in their hotel room
with a bible wishing they had gone to Disneyland instead.
Porn pamphlets and escort ads scatter the streets, pimps stroll
the sidewalks, and hookers, junkies, and circus freaks rule
the night. You can’t walk through a casino without gambling
away your mortgage, and you can’t walk into a Fat Burger
without being badgered by a half-naked skank asking if you’re
looking for some fun. Beautiful girls are seen everywhere
wearing 4-inch see through high heels and zebra skirts short
enough to expose all the ham. The clubs have a unique mix
of ladies, ranging from the typical tourists looking for a
good time, to the ones in the midst of a downward spiral hoping
to get jobs as call girls to support their drug addictions.
The most popular attractions are peep shows, the most popular
people are perverts with fat wallets, and the sweet smell
of greed hovers endlessly over the city. It’s not a
place for husbands, wives, children, or grandparents, but
it’s the perfect place for somebody like me.
I went there with my roommate, Brandon Brown, who has accompanied
me on trips to South Padre, Cancun, San Diego, and Pensacola.
We didn’t expect anything to top Cancun, but Vegas certainly
came close. It was the same in the sense that we did our usual
pattern, drink all night, sleep all day, and keep our big
pimpin’ skills at an all time high. It was different
because we had the chance to win money and also had our own
transportation to get us around.
We flew in on a Monday to Vegas International Airport and
I was immediately overcome by the amount of slot machines
in the terminal. Since it was my first trip to Vegas being
over 21, I had to try once. So I quickly blew $5 and went
on my way. No problem, I had lots of money to spend. We found
a sweet deal for the trip that got us 4 days and 4 nights
at the New York New York plus airfare for only $220 each.
Our hotel had one of the best locations on the strip. The
New York New York sits on the South end where all the action
is. The hotel is designed as a mini replica of New York City.
A 50-foot tall Statue of Liberty stands proudly out front,
and about a half-dozen tall buildings make up the hotel’s
rooms. The rooms were average, and the service was complete
crap (they get enough business to not care about their guests),
but the lobby was the most impressive. Beyond the lines of
slot machines, classy restaurants and bars surround the mini
streets resembling lower Manhattan. Just past the poker tables
and roulette wheels, an escalator leads up to a large arcade
room and the famed roller coaster ride. The roller coaster
was a complete waste of time and money ($15 per person), and
only lasts about 20 seconds. Next to the arcade room was one
of my favorite restaurants, Nathan’s Famous. Since Nathan’s
first opened in 1914 on Coney Island, their menu of hot dogs
and pizza has become world renown. I personally enjoyed the
hot dog bites, which were mini corn dogs that I think would
be great at baseball games. There were several theaters within
the hotel, one in particular was showing Zumanity, a pornographic
version of Cirque De Solei. Posters and signs were everywhere
on the strip, displaying the male and female performers embracing
each other in full nudity.
Since we came in on an early flight, we decided to take an
afternoon walk on the strip. The heat was unbearable. We quickly
realized that 110-degree weather allows you to do a limited
amount of activity. After every 10 feet of walking, we would
stop in random stores to get a blast of air conditioning.
It wasn’t long before I flagged down a courtesy bicyclist
to take us the rest of the way. The bicyclists volunteered
to have the crappy job of hauling tourists around in a two-seater
canopy on wheels. Personally, I would rather clean monkey
cages with my tongue than have their job. Other than the fact
that it was a slow ride, and a sweaty man’s ass in spandex
was inches from my face, it was a decent way to get along
the strip. But when we passed Sin City Scooters, my eyes lit
up.
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THE BEST WAY TO TRAVEL IN VEGAS
Me and Brandon used mopeds to get us around
on the strip. It was a great
way to pick up girls. |
Sin City Scooters is a place that rents scooters and mopeds
for the tourists who want to see the entire strip. Dave Nanni,
the owner, assured me and Brandon that we wouldn’t regret
renting mopeds for our trip. We were hesitant at first, thinking
that other guys would beat our asses, and girls would think
we were homos on a shopping spree. But after seeing other
mopeds riding along, we decided that it was acceptable in
Vegas. Now that I look back on it, I wouldn’t have done
it any other way. The mopeds made our trip enjoyable. So,
for roughly $75 a day, we each had a pimp ride to get us around.
We also didn’t have to pay for gas, and we could ride
anywhere at anytime. As surprising as it may be, we picked
up a lot of girls on our bikes. When sitting at stoplights,
girls would approach us and ask for rides. And do you think
we did? Hell yes. I specifically remember two flight attendants
who we gave rides to Treasure Island and then ended up hanging
out with them the following night. It was a great way to pick
up. And speed wasn’t a problem. The bikes topped out
at about 55mph, which easily gets you past the old people
chugging along in their Buick Regals taking pictures of everything
that moves. Thanks to the bikes, we were able to park pretty
much anywhere, weave in and out of traffic, and best of all,
we visited almost every major hotel and club. Next time you
go to Vegas I highly suggest you use them. For more information
about Sin City Scooters, go to www.sincityscooters.com, or
call (702) 303-1833.
We went to clubs like Studio 54, Ice, Rain, and Light. But
my two favorites were the Ghost Bar and Club Skin, both located
at the Palms hotel about a mile west of the strip. Club Skin
is an outdoor nightclub that is comparable to Blue67 here
in Denver, except it’s larger, more exclusive, and real
celebrities go there, not a bunch of wanabees wearing shades
at night acting like millionaires hiding their Saturn’s
parked across the street. Not that I have anything against
Blue67, but it certainly attracts a cheesy crowd. By day,
Skin is the outdoor pool of the Palms hotel, but by night,
it transforms into one of the most desirable clubs in Vegas.
Whoever thought of that is a damn genius. Travis from Blink
182 and actor Paul Walker were among the crowd, not to mention
the largest display of eye candy I’ve ever seen. All
of the girls at Skin had Playboy magazine potential, but they
were as bitchy as can be. I saw Brandon get rejected more
times that night than Fat Albert did in his entire life. The
pools were lit up with pink and lavender lights, and sexy
mermaids swam around and made out with each other for tips.
In the center, exotic dancers made mouths drop on floating
platforms and often allowed the mermaids to lick their legs
up and down. It was like nothing I’d ever seen. I sat
in one of the many hammocks off to the side enjoying the whole
scene. The one time I was approached was by two gorgeous brunettes
wearing matching black short skirts that fitted nicely around
their beautifully toned bodies. We talked or a while, and
then they asked me to take them back to my hotel room. Of
course I was in shock, but I didn’t even get the chance
to get excited about it before they told me, “$1,000
per hour and you can have us both.” Oh well, I guess
that’s Las Vegas.
At that point I decided that half the girls at Skin were hookers,
and the other half were lesbians. Cool club, but not the best
place to meet anybody. After Skin closed down at 1:30am, everyone
went to the Ghost Bar. The Ghost Bar is basically an after
hours extension of Skin, and is located on the 51st floor
of the Palms hotel. The view is absolutely incredible, and
it stays open until 6:00am. One of the more interesting parts
about the place is a section of the floor on the balcony made
of glass, allowing you to look all the way down. If you’re
afraid of heights, don’t do it.
When we weren’t cruising around on our mopeds and checking
out all of the sites, we spent our time on Industrial Road,
which is best described as the Colfax of Las Vegas. Industrial
Road is where you find all of the sleaze in Vegas. You can
find strip clubs, whore houses, exotic massage huts, hooker
stations, crack dealers, addicts, sex shows, hornballs, perverts,
nympho zoos, diseased bums, horny cats, and enough free X-rated
flyers and posters to open your own porn shop. We immediately
began looking for homes to buy in that area.
We ended up spending a lot of money at a strip club called
Cheetahs. It was probably the classiest strip joint in Vegas,
and we immediately became house favorites because of our good
looks and $100 bills. The girls there said it was nice to
actually get a couple of hot young college boys, and constantly
fought over us for lap dances. And of course I spent all my
money and then some because the girls there are truly irresistible.
With Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson look-a-likes at your
disposal, you can’t help but rape the ATM machine and
give them all your cash. We were stupid enough to ask half
the strippers if they wanted to take a ride with us on our
mopeds after they got off work. I guess it was desperation
that led us to think that they would actually prefer to do
that rather than go home to please their sugar daddies in
their pimped out BMW’s and Mercedes. But oh well, we’re
college students and we’re allowed to be retarded.
After we would leave strip clubs like Cheetahs and Crazy Horse
II, I would stumble back to our hotel lobby drunk and bankrupt,
and head straight to the slot machines. Gambling is a terrible
thing to do in Vegas. Tourists are repeatedly teased and mislead
by photos on the wall of past big winners, and soon they believe
that they too will win big. I was one of those losers, always
hoping that my next pull of the slots would make me rich.
What a dream. I was feeding the machines $20 and $50 bills
as if it were monopoly money, not having a care in the world.
Locals told me the dangers of gambling, but of course I didn’t
listen. I wanted to learn it on my own, the hard way. Don’t
get me wrong, I did win a few times, sometimes pretty big,
but I just didn’t know when to stop. I would win $80-$115
at a time, and my hand would try to hit the cash out button,
but then I started to get the shakes, and would gamble again.
And again, and again until all of my money was gone.
In the end, we left Vegas as broke as can be, but with a lot
of great memories and stories to tell around the campfire.
I came home realizing three main things. I am addicted to
gambling, I love sexy women so much I’ll pay for them
to sit on my lap, and I’ll soon be moving to Las Vegas.
THIS WEEK’S AVAILABLE BACHELORETTE
 |
MEET STACEY JUGGLES
She's looking for a guy who can appreciate her,
even though she has a small chest.
|
Stacey Juggles, 20, is a single chick in the Denver area
searching for an interesting guy. She is currently a sophomore
at CU Boulder majoring in proctology with a minor in mental
education. With her degree, she hopes to become a licensed
physician, but in the meantime she keeps herself busy training
to become the next cover girl for Hustler magazine. In addition
to a rigorous diet plan and hours of hard workouts, Juggles
maintains an active lifestyle playing volleyball and coaching
peewee girls league soccer.
When Juggles isn’t studying hard in class, she spends
her time working at the Bust It Out Car Wash off Colfax and
Speer Boulevard. The car wash just had it’s grand opening
last week and is already getting great reviews. Aside from
it being an all-nude car wash, Bust It Out offers competitive
prices and a great selection of girls to choose from. Many
of the girls are former exotic dancers and Hooter’s
waitresses, and Juggles says it can be quite intimidating.
“All the girls at the car wash are hot. But I feel like
I can compete with them pretty well, and I’ve already
made a lot of friends.”
Thanks to the column, I had the privilege of being the first
customer at the car wash and I must admit, it’s out
of this world. You begin by driving your car into a pitch-black
garage. The garage door shuts behind you and suddenly you’re
completely blind, everything is dark. Then a sexy voice comes
over the intercom and tells you to open your door, but to
remain seated. You then sit in silence for a couple of minutes
wondering what the hell will happen next. And suddenly, techno
music begins playing all around you and multi-colored lights
on the ceiling and floors flash. Then, far off in the corner
of the room, a yellow door opens and a dozen, beautiful, bare-ass
naked girls come running out screaming. Obviously I was quite
overwhelmed with the whole scene, but you better believe there
was a huge smile on my face. While some of the girls scrub
your car using their bodies, others take turns giving you
lap dances. It was truly incredible. I actually saw one girl
give herself an orgasm off of my windshield wiper. So this
whole thing goes on for an hour, and then you back your car
out, they blow you kisses goodbye, and you drive off with
a very clean car. I loved their motto; “We clean your
car in a dirty way.” And the best part of all is that
you get this whole experience for only $25 and you don’t
have to tip the girls. Sounds too good to be true? Well, I
suggest you find out for yourself. To book an appointment
at the Bust It Out Carwash, call them at
(303) 887-1456. Ask for a guy named Bran, he’s the manager,
and if you tell him you heard about it through my column,
he’ll give you $10 off your first visit. So, you get
all of this for $15. Can you ask for anything better?
Oops, I guess we forgot about Stacey, our featured bachelorette.
Anyway, Stacey is a great girl for any of you out there. I
dated her for a while myself until I realized that her chest
might suffocate me someday.
When she’s not giving wax jobs at the carwash, you can
find Stacey at any of the hot dance clubs downtown. She loves
drinking, partying, and meeting new people.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET STACEY JUGGLES, EMAIL OUR CUPID
CONNECTOR AT: bzsaab@yahoo.com
THIS WEEKS AVAILABLE BACHELOR
 |
MEET MATT BRANAM
He's looking for a slave to kiss his feet while
sitting on his throne. |
Wow, take a look at this badass sitting on the pot. His name
is Matt Branam, he’s 21, and he’s been a good
friend of mine for a long time. I promised to feature him
at some point because we all know how many sexy girls read
the article. And that’s exactly what he’s looking
for. He wants a sexy girl, preferably a blonde with a great
body, and one who doesn’t have any emotional attachments.
He’s a one-night stand kind of guy and proudly admits
it.
The one thing he doesn’t like to admit is where he works.
For the past five years, Branam has been employed at the Keebler
Factory off I-70. He has the important job of squeezing the
fudge in between the tiny Keebler crackers, and then finishes
his shift by packaging them up to be sent to our local grocery
stores. Friends of ours have made fun of him for it in the
past, but he beats them to a pulp every time.
He’s built with massive strength, and most would mistake
him for a bodyguard or football player, but the truth is,
Branam has always wanted to be a Keebler elf.
“Every since I saw the cute commercials on television
when I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be one of the
magical elves,” he says. “But I didn’t know
they weren’t real until I had already been working there
for 2 years.”
Branam enjoys going out with our crew to the Stampede on Wednesday
nights, and has no trouble getting girls to go home with him.
The only time it goes bad is when they get in his truck and
see all of the Keebler boxes in the back and ask him what
they’re all for. And Branam, not being a liar, tells
them the truth about his job as a fudge packer, and they always
end up laughing hysterically and running away.
As his friend, I’ve tried to introduce him to other
occupations, but he really won’t budge when it comes
to fudge.
“It’s so gooey and warm,” he says. “And
my managers at Keebler let me lick the bottom of the pans
that the fudge is made on. It’s so damn good.”
And all that fudge usually has an ugly exit. Branam suffers
from what medical experts call DRDML. Millions of Americans
suffer from the DRDML (Diarrhea running down my leg) syndrome,
but are usually too ashamed to seek medical help. Branam is
currently on medication for it, but it takes time to kick
in, forcing him to spend a number of hours on the toilet.
Not to mention he stinks like hell everywhere he walks, some
people have even nicknamed him, “The walking pile”.
When he’s able to contain himself, Branam enjoys shopping
at Park Meadows, watching Looney tunes on TV, and setting
up kool-aid stands for the neighborhood kids. Deep down he’s
a sensitive guy, and is about as sweet as the stain in his
boxers.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MEETING MATT BRANAM, EMAIL OUR
CUPID CONNECTOR AT: bzsaab@yahoo.com
HATE MAIL
Is that all you write about, sex and one-night stands?
Don’t you have something more intellectually stimulating
to talk about? You’re about as deep as a kiddie pool.
Deb, Lakewood
I don’t know Deb, if you ask me, I think sexual topics
are pretty stimulating. And let’s not talk about kiddie
pools, I always used to pee in them.
J.M.
How do you even have friends to hang out with? You’re
a one-track minded, nympho freak that I wouldn’t be
caught dead with. The advice you provide is worthless and
has no value.
Ed, Houston, Texas
Funny you ask me that Ed, because I was wondering the same
thing. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? And nympho?
You better believe it, I get horny when I look at a paper
towel dispenser. Such sweet….soft tissue. Mmmmmmm……
J.M.
I think you’re a classic jerk who thrives off other
people’s flaws. You remind me of a bully in my high
school who ended up killing himself from a drug overdose.
I hope you know what’s in store for you.
Ally, Tampa Bay, Florida
Ooooo…that reminds me….I need to go pop some
more pills.
J.M.
FAN MAIL
Jeff,
Love the article. You funny. I recently graduated from CSU
and can't get a job. I'm feeling like I missed the best year
of college the 5th year. I now spend my time doing gardening
for my Mom. Now that I am unemployed out of money and no longer
around college girls, will I still be able to get layed?.
If not what should I do with my life.
Brad, Denver
Thanks for reading Brad, it sounds like you are stuck in
a situation like many of my college grad friends. They’re
also unemployed and stuck back at home with Mommy, but I wouldn’t
worry about it. Although living with the parents again can
really suck, I’m sure it’s only temporary. Yes
you can still get layed, just don’t tell them that you
live at your parents house. Tell them that you’re homeless
and hungry, and I guarantee somebody will take you in eventually.
And yes, the 5th year is a great year of college. Maybe you
could go back for a bit and major in step aerobics this time
around. I took the class, and although all the chicks in my
class were disgusting, it’s still worth a shot. Best
of luck.
J.M.
Your column is hilarious and the guy you featured last week
as the available bachelor, the wide receiver, was hot hot
hot!!! I’m a big Denver Broncos fan, so if you can introduce
me to him that would be great. Keep up the good work!
Janet, Aurora
Thanks Janet, I’m sure Charlie would be pleased to
hear your compliment. I could introduce you to him, but he’s
pretty picky about the girls he dates. But if you know you’re
hot and everything, send me another email with your # and
I’ll give it to him. It would help if you send a picture
too. Thanks for reading!
J.M.
I can tell from what you write that you’re a player,
but your humor makes up for it. I’ve read every column
of yours and forward each one to all my friends, and you always
can make us laugh, even on crappy Mondays. You would be great
to have around at parties.
Mindy, Seattle, Washington
Thanks Mindy, I’m glad I can help with the moody Mondays.
And let me know about any parties, I’m going to be up
in Seattle during Thanksgiving. Thanks!
J.M.
