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Volume 27, Issue 1, July 29, 2004

Opinion

Guide to ‘04 conventions

Definitive Guide to the 2004 Democratic and Republican Conventions

Crystal Mug
Crystal Preston
Columnist

Today I am going to give you, mind-blowing look into the Democratic and Republican Conventions. I will not be going to either upcoming conventions but I have watched them on television in past election years (they preempted my normal television viewing. Did Martin and Gina ever get married?)

Though the conventions sound like a monumental historical event where Presidential candidate is nominated from his peers to hopefully lead this great nation, it is really not that serious.

The conventions are just huge parties. Like the Love Parade but without all the sweaty Germans. I might not know much about “conventions” but parties? That is something I do know about. I go to parties all the time. I am a connoisseur of social gatherings. The most important detail of a party is its location. A good location is key to a successful party.

Everyone must have ample room to dance and pass out after they have gorged themselves on Pabst Blue Ribbon, also pretty and interesting things to look at and steal when the host isn’t looking. Great location leads to a great party. A great party will make the host ruler of their entire social circle.

I hope that both the Republican and Democratic followed the rule of thumb to party locations when making their final decisions on convention sites. To find out if they did, I have decided to take a critical look into both locations. I will list both the pros and cons to each location. Then I will make an informed judgment to the winner of the best convention site (thus the Presidency of the United States). I assure you that my findings are 100% accurate.

Republican Convention: New York City, New York

Pros:

  • Sam Watterson lives there. (Best known as the spokesman of Old Glory Insurance.)
  • The show “Law and Order” is filmed there
  • You can meet the guy that played Baby’s father in Dirty Dancing if you are lucky.

Cons:

  • They have HUGE rats.
  • P.Diddy lives there and continues to churn out horrible excuses of R&B and Rap
  • Ol’ Blue Eyes is dead so every time I hear the song “New York, New York” I get all choked up.

Democratic Convention: Boston, Massachusetts

Pros:

  • Matt Damon calls it home
  • You can get Carvels’s Cookie Puss
  • I lived there as a kid

Cons:

  • Shares name with a crappy rock band
  • Inspired a couple of SNL sketches that stopped being funny after the second time.
  • The water in Boston Harbor doesn’t taste like tea anymore. Actually it kind of tastes like pee (just take my word for it)

The winner is obvious.

Neither.

Everyone knows that politicians are too stuffy to have fun. It doesn’t matter if the conventions took place on the moon with midgets in space suites serving tequila; they would still be the most boring event that could ever take place.

The Democrats would have had a chance if they’ve picked Howard Dean as their candidate. That man knows how to party. Dean is that guy at the party that drinks a whole keg and you find him three hours later, naked, lying in the fetal position in the corner with bunny ears on his head. The life and soul of the party, location becomes irrelevant when they are around.

My friends, that is what I look for in a President, a man with passion.

It is a shame the two candidates that will before us in November lack it.