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Volume 27, Issue 6, September 16, 2004

Opinion

Punching our way to a better America

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Crystal Preston
Columnist

There are nine weeks left until Election Day. Only nine more weeks of deciding which partisan ketchup to put on your freedom fries, staring at the hypnotic mole on John Edwards’ upper lip and hoping a real candidate will join the race. I don’t want to overdo the Election issue before the big day (and I haven’t watched the news since the first day of class so I don’t have a clue of what has happened) so in this week’s column I have decided to take a break.

What could I write about? Given that the Election is the biggest news story right now, not much. I read the newspaper and if it wasn’t about the election, it had some kind of tie-in with politics. While I was in the middle of reading the paper I realized since I was now up-to-date with the Election news, I could now write about it. But I have promised myself (and you, though you weren’t there to hear it) that I would take a break this week. Plus, I came across something that was even more important than the election of the next leader of our country.

What I found wasn’t in the newspaper. It was on television where all my important discoveries are made. I was watching a video tape I had made of the FX network (the network where all FOX shows go to die. Don’t ask me why I tape FX because I will have to kill you if you do). They had this show called, “Totally Outrageous Behavior Caught on Tape.” Guess what it was about? True to its title, I did see some behavior that could be called “outrageous,” such as people peeing in their co-workers’ coffee pots. But one clip that was shown on the program blew me away. What was it, you may ask?

Politicians fighting. Fist fighting.

The clip I saw was of politicians in Taiwan having a full-on brawl. I mean “blows were being thrown,” to use an archaic term. Women were pulling hair and having their hair pulled. The men were slapping each other and kicking. I sat totally in awe.

After viewing the short clip, I felt like I was Moses and God was talking to me through a burning bush. Except the bush was a tape in the VCR and it wasn’t on fire and God was a bunch of Taiwanese politicians who were punching each other.

This is what U.S. politics needs. We need our politicians to fight each other. Not with words but with their fists. Yes, I’m condoning violence, but only between our country’s law makers. I want politicians who feel so strongly about what they are saying that they are ready to kick ass or get their asses kicked over it. When you know that what you say, do, or believe in can get you knocked out, you are not going to bullshit. Being punched in the face by a fellow senator over trying to get employment legislation on the floor hurts, but being kicked in the crotch over a vote you cast for some lobbyist group is stupid.

If only we could find some way to make this happen. I can hear the conversations on the Hill now:

“You want to cut Social Security? Do it and you will be limping back to your office.”

“Filibuster this, bitch!”

Ah, the voices of true democracy.

(Yes, I know I broke my promise to take a break from politics. No, you may not kick my ass because of it.)