Broken homes can lead to broken minds

Surviving the Scars of Abuse - Part three of a three-part series

Part 1 &  Part2

By Birgit Moran
moranb@mscd.edu

About one in three people may be walking wounded.

As they age, these walking wounded may develop depression, anorexia, bulimia, self-mutilation, drug addiction or alcoholism. They may also develop a propensity for violence and repeat the damage with their partners and with, or to, their own children.

Research suggests that neurobiological brain changes occur in children who witness or are party to repetitive emotional or physical abuse. And those changes can be the root cause of many disorders like depression, addictive behaviors and the continuation of abuse in adult life, according to Allan N. Schore, a psychology professor at the University of California at Los Angeles. The Harvard School of Medicine has conducted similar research.

Schore identified the disorder as Early Relational Trauma. His research confirms changes in the brains of infants and young children exposed to repetitive neglect and/or verbal, physical or sexual abuse.

"Early relational trauma creates a predisposition for relational violence and impairs the ability to maintain interpersonal relationships, cope with stressful stimuli and regulate emotion," Schore wrote.

Disorders like anorexia or bulimia, drug addiction, alcoholism, chronic depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, self-mutilation, phobias and others may be some of the manifestations, besides intimate partner violence, linked to early relational trauma, Schore wrote.

Fixing the damage

"We chip away at our own denial until we are finally able to face the truth," said Tralita of Colorado Springs.

She escaped with her three children after her husband's failed attempt to kill her in a natural gas explosion at their home.

"You come to expect to be abused because you feel worthless from the chronic psychological damage you've endured," Tralita said.

The road to where she is today is paved with hardships. She's dealt with threats from her ex-husband to kill her and take the children, and his fight for unsupervised visitation rights.

Her ex-husband was a respected and successful businessman, a member of their church, and a community leader. No one would believe he was capable of such abuse. But "victims seldom lie," Tralita said.

"You don't even realize how beaten down you are until you get out," she said. "It was the best decision I ever made."

Now, she's a single mother.

"This is so much better than how we lived before," she said.

When Tralita first left the abusive relationship, she had no idea how she'd make it with three small children and no job. That was 10 years ago. Now she has a bachelor's degree and works as a professional writer, editor and speaker.

But, she's frustrated with the legal system.

"Everybody says it's somebody else's responsibility," she said about the difficulty of protecting her children from their abusive father. He had visitation rights after the divorce. Her children would kick, scream and beg not to go with him.

"When they came back to me with bruises all over their bodies, I thought, 'never again,'" Tralita said.

She got the courts to change her husband's visitation from unsupervised to supervised. And then she decided to move the children far away.

She said she was between two evils.

"Right now, it's more important to protect my children from future abuse than to heal from past abuse," Tralita said.

While she's protecting her children from further trauma, she feels she can't risk being accused of alienating their father, by discussing the past with her children. It keeps them from healing as a family, Tralita said.

Her children have had individual counseling and that has helped.

"But, they've taken some of their anger out on me, the safe parent," she said. "It's difficult to get adequate counseling."

The courts could use their conversations about the violence as evidence of parental alienation. And he has the right to keep taking the children to court in an attempt to get unsupervised visitation. He can keep trying until the youngest child is 18. He's taken them to court to change the visitation, but he's lost each time.

When the children would prepare for supervised visits with their father, they'd be very anxious and upset before going. Then it would take about two to three days afterward for them to settle back down.

Just after the divorce, her daughter's second grade teacher, who was a man, wondered why Tralita's daughter would hide under her desk if he even slightly raised his voice, Tralita said.

Her children still show residual effects. Her son has emotional difficulties, still underachieves at school and suffers from insomnia, among other problems. All three children had problems with violence and inappropriate behavior.

But, she said it's getting better.

Her oldest daughter found help at her church. One member of her youth group also grew up with abuse. That friendship and camaraderie helped her daughter quite a bit, Tralita said.

Once abuse is determined, abusers should lose their rights for unsupervised contact with the children until they can prove they've been rehabilitated-but that's not how it works today, she said. Victims fleeing abuse should be offered the same assistance as in the witness protection program, she said. And a victim's home should be treated with the same protections as a safe house, so that adult and child victims can feel safe.

Her ex-husband's threat still looms over the family. Still, it's much better, she said.

"I remember when I heard my children sing again," she said. "I'd forgotten how long it had been."

Education just the beginning

Young, dating adults should seek knowledge about what a healthy relationship looks like because they may not have had it modeled for them growing up, said Theresa Boggess, a therapist in Centennial. They may need to consider the dysfunctions of their family of origin in order to protect themselves and their future children.

"We know to use a condom for safe sex, but, we also need a condom for the heart," Boggess said.

Young adults should take time to view how their partner interacts with family and friends before having sex and becoming emotionally entangled, Boggess said.

According to Schore and others, the reason volatility continues in a cycle has many components. A few primary causes are: unconscious tendencies to repeat witnessed behavior, a belief that all families behave similarly and changes to the brain that affect how emotional stress and interpersonal relationships are handled.

Chronic trauma can actually alter brain function to produce symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, said Karen Jackson, a staff psychologist at Metro's Counseling Center.

"Fortunately, psychological treatment can reverse these effects," Jackson said.

Schore wrote that "repetitive, sustained emotional abuse is at the core of childhood trauma, and parental maltreatment or neglect compromises cognitive development."

In some affected persons, stress may feel like "riding the gas and the brake at the same time," according to Schore's article.

The Family Violence Prevention Fund statistics show that one-third of the population is affected by some form of domestic violence. And statistics say that over half of family violence is never reported.

Boggess and Jackson said they'd like to see a psychological diagnosis that identifies and treats individuals with early relational trauma.

"Children want to heal," Boggess said, "anybody can heal."