Hey, kids, let’s rock old-school By Adam “Scoop” Goldstein goldstea@mscd.edu Photos by Matt Jonas • jonasm@mscd.edu

“Scoop” surveys the crowd and makes sure his pants stay firmly above his belly button.

Kid rocks the convention center April 21.

   When a news release announcing Kid Rock’s upcoming “old-school party-rock experience” appeared in our e-mail, we knew it was something we had to cover. The only problem was, we’re all spry young folk. How could we judge whether it was truly “old school?” Luckily, our love of black metal has given us some knowledge of the black arts. A small sacrifice, a muttered incantation and, voila: we channeled the spirit of an old-school reporter and coerced it into inhabiting our own Adam Goldstein.

   Problem solved? Not quite. Unfortunately, magic is definitely more art than science, and instead of the ‘70s-era Rolling Stone rock writer type we’d hoped for, we ended up with a really old-school reporter—apparently from the late 1940s. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, but the hour was getting late, we didn’t have another lamb and no one was really sure how to remove a spirit other than letting the spell expire. Besides, it’s just rock ‘n’ roll. One old school is as good as another, right? With no other options, we sent out our possessed reporter to get the scoop on the Kid.

   Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the ships at sea.

   Warm up the telegraph lines, dear readers! Turn up the electric torch and turn off your Victrola, because this news is sure to shock! This just in: music sensation Kid Rock drops into to Denver like a torpedo from a German U-Boat!

   The singing sensation stopped by the Denver Convention Center last Friday, attracting a sizable crowd of enthusiastic fans.

   Though Rock’s particular genre of music is something completely foreign and strange to me, it seemed to please the young folks in the crowd.

   Wait, stop the presses, ladies and gentlemen. As I write, new information is pouring in from the wire.

   Apparently, Kid Rock is a “rocker” who incorporates elements of “hip-hop.” This may come as a shock to many of you out there, but apparently both of these musical expressions are very popular among the young folks of today.

   One thing is certain, when Kid Rock and his crew quit mugging light and started to mug heavy, the crowd responded with a due amount of cheer. This Rock fella sang with a moxie that would kill a goat.

   The key to success in show business is theatrics, and Rock didn’t fail. He made an entrance reminiscent of Bette Davis in “The Letter.” Rising out of the stage floor on a mechanized platform, Rock appeared with a fitting amount of grandiosity and pomposity. The multi-tiered stage made for an almost theatrical setting, as Rock and his musicians scrambled along the different levels. Dancing girls gyrated in the background, making this reporter wonder if the antics were approved material under the Hayes Code. I will confess to you, those canaries gave me some thoughts that will only be excised by a priest.

   Rock and his band, the Twisted Brown Trucker Band delivered a solid sender that would chill ya when they broke into a cover number titled “Freebird.” Again, dear readers, although this comes as news to this reporter, the song is apparently a favorite among classic-rock fans. Personally, Artie Shaw’s version of “Begin the Beguine” is a much more durable anthem, but there’s no accounting for popular taste. Still, Rock’s antics reminded me of my days on the Vaudeville circuit, as he seemed to conjure the spirit of Al Jolson in his vim and vigor.

   The crowd welcomed the cover with unfettered glee, as it responded to Rock’s big hits, his big senders, see? When he played numbers such as “Bawitdaba,” the kids screamed, the kids convulsed, the kids went mad. Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra would surely drool with envy at    Rock’s effect on the young birds in the crowd.
   Kid Rock and his coterie of players tout themselves as “old-school rockers.” Now, I will confess that I don’t know what that means, exactly, but as I’m over 100 years old, I can confess that these kids had the spunk of a young Jake LaMotta. Bull am!

   Rock and his sidemen kicked out a barrelhouse bash that made the walls tremble and the floors pound. I will be completely honest when I say that this young strapper and his gang went to town, they gave it a ride and they got hot.

   Sure, I’m a fella who likes a good Coleman Hawkins or Rudy Vallee when I sit down to smoke my cigar, but this Rock swinger sure lit up the crowd.

 

“This Rock Fella sang
with the moxie that would kill a goat”

Adam “Scoop” Goldstein