Found in translation
NIC GARCIA
ngarci20@mscd.edu

PHOTOS BY EMILY VARISCO varisco@mscd.edu
T walks down the stairs of the Plaza Building on campus.

T leaves the Men’s restroom in the Tivoli.

   To the left of the sink is the famous World War II poster: “We Can Do It!” exclaims a blond, fair-skinned woman, flexing her muscles. To the right of the sink, on the other hand, is a mirror, framed, in multiple colors, with different styles of men’s beards. There’s the ancho and French foule. The hulihe. And a dozen or so others.

   I’m standing in T’s restroom. It’s well organized, like a woman’s. Still, you can’t help but feel like you’re standing in a man’s. The towels don’t exactly match and there is no sign of makeup remover or lipstick.

   When I first spoke with T, I asked hir (a gender-neutral pronoun) if sie (another gender- neutral pronoun) was an MTF (male-to-female) or FTM (female-to-male). Sie explained sie was neither.

   “ I’m gender queer,” sie explained. “I don’t identify with any gender.”

   Again, when we sat down in hir home, I asked hir what pronouns sie liked, a common practice in the community whenever interacting with a transgender or gender queer individual. Sie said sie didn’t care. “Mix them up,” sie laughed. “But then again, I guess that doesn’t work too well with print?”

   Hir skin is white like a Colorado snow, hir hair is black as night, sans the moon. It’s cut short, with a little bit of attitude. Hir glasses hide hir brown eyes, or maybe they’re blue. Hir voice reminds me of a boy in puberty. It’s raspy sometimes. Deep others. And still, soft. When sie does smile, it’s wide and bright. Hir nose is stubby. Hir jaw is chiseled but smooth and hir eyebrows are plucked.

   Biologically, T is a female. And sie was reminded all to often when she was younger because her mother would push her into traditional gender roles—dresses, play dates with other girls. “The girls were always playing imagination,” sie says. So at recesses, sie would play with the boys.
   “ Every time someone tried to push me into a gender role (even at a young age) I had to stop and say (to hirself) I’m not that kind of girl,” sie said.

   T found hirself running more and more with the boys as she grew up. Sie excelled in soccer and basketball.

   “ It made sense to me,” sie said. “The only time it (recess) was uncomfortable was when people tried to change me.”

   And try they did. Perhaps the person who tried the most was T’s mom. “I’m not the daughter my mother expected to have.” At one point, T’s mother wouldn’t allow hir to buy any new clothes because they weren’t appropriate for girls. “I would come home and there would be new clothes on my bed,” sie said. Meanwhile, her father always embraced the “boy” in T. They would play ball and cook, sie said. “My dad really didn’t know what do with a daughter, so he just loved his kid.”

   Even though T would hang out with mostly guys through hir childhood and teen years, sie still didn’t feel like sie belonged anywhere. “I never had the boy or girl membership card,” sie said. T said sie believes a lot of her struggle came from the lack of language. It was set in stone for hir: boy or girl. Sie began to think of hirself as a man in a woman’s body. Testosterone was considered, but sie never went through with it. And surgery was never a an option because “it hurts.” It wasn’t until sie went to a private-progressive boarding school that sie learned of the GLBT community and discovered words like transgender and queer.

   “ I spent more time knowing what I wasn’t.”
   Sie was 18 when hir friend Mary introduced her to the idea and word “queer.”

   The traditional meaning of queer, according to dictionary.com is “Deviating from the expected or normal.” To T, it’s her life.

“ When I look in the mirror, I see me. I don’t see a boy or a girl. It’s my reality.”

   T has, for the last few years, come to terms with hirself and hir ambiguity. Sie has the freedom to be a boy or a girl. Both. Neither.

   Sie identifies hirself sexually queer, as well. Sie says sie’s been attracted to people across the spectrum. “An attractive person, is attractive, right?” sie asked.

   In this world, sie says, so many people are trying to put each other in boxes. From day one, sie explained, society wants us to conform to norms. “‘Is it a boy or a girl?’ is the first thing people ask when you’re having a baby,” sie points out.

   Not knowing which gender sie was, T says there has been a lot of confusion in her life. Both internally and externally.

   “ I feel scared. There is a lot of uncertainty out there. And being lost is very scary.”

   While T generally dresses plainly in jeans and T-shirts, sweaters, etc. sie says, “People, sometimes, have a problem with my gender presentation.”

   When sie was 16 years old, T was once kicked out of a women’s restroom in the Cherry Creek mall because two women thought sie was a boy.

   T waited outside the restroom, waiting for the women to leave. Sie prayed they weren’t going to make a big scene when they left. Sie wondered if they were going to call security or worse, their husbands.
   Today, restrooms still cause some problems for T and many transgenders.    Several factors weigh in. What gender can they pass for? What, if any surgery, has been done? Who will notice, who will care? T often does what many call risk assessments. Some comfort is found at gay clubs and bars. However, the mainstream gay/lesbian community often has as many problems with transgenders and people who identify themselves as bi or queer as the heterosexual community, because they are seen as being greedy or hypersexual.

   T has a lot of frustration over how members of her own community can be so harsh and wrong about transgenders and queers. Sie believes that, outside the community, people group all of the GLBT community together and if there is any disunity among members it will do more harm. “These statements are perpetuating a mindset that keeps (the) gay and lesbian community oppressed,” sie said.

   Because of this, T doesn’t spend a lot of time with the mainstream gay community. “I don’t understand why we push people into boxes.”

   While T believes all people are queer on some level, sie said sie respects everyone for their lifestyles. And sie hopes one day, sie will be too.

   “ I’m just trying to make space for me in the world.”
   According to some, there is a big wave of young transgenenders and more and more people are adopting the term queer to identify their gender or sexuality. For this, T is very happy.

   “ We’re starting to allow people to make their own identities,” sie said regarding the surge in younger transgenders.

   Today, T is more comfortable with who sie is … or isn’t. Sie has the freedom sie has always wanted: the freedom to be hirself, wear whatever sie wants and to have a crush on a former boy band star and footwear.

   “ I have the biggest crush on Justin Timberlake, then again, I don’t know if I want to be him or do him,” and sie added, “I love high heels. The world is a better place because of stilettos.”

   The interior of T’s house is derived from a grey palate. It’s hir favorite color. Hir jeans are a dark, torn blue and the sweater sie is wearing is a heather, knit grey. Sie applies lip-gloss and says: “I’m a sucker for the underdog. And really, it’s neither black nor white. There’s a lot of depth to grey. It’s ambiguous. It feels good and warm.”

 

I feel scared. There is a lot of uncertainty out there.
And being lost is very scary.

I’m just trying to make space for me in the world.

 

Gender Nuetral Pronouns
sie, hir, hir, hirs, hirself (pronounced “z” and “here”)
zie, zir, zir, zirs, zirself
For more info on
transgender issues
http://www.ntac.org
http://www.tgforum.com
http://www.tgguide.com