New Metro president? Pick one

By Travis Hennery
The Metropolitan

The recent hiring of former U.S. Sen. Hank Brown as president of the University of Northern Colorado got me thinking.

Maybe if we convinced some high profile candidates to express their desire to head up Metro, we could get rid of Metroâs Queen Sheila Kaplan once and for all.

The job pays $137,500 a year and gives you the power to destroy whole Journalism departments on a whim.
I am sure that several people in the public would find running Metro both challenging and rewarding.
Many fine prospects jump to mind.

In no particular order, here is the Metro wish list for a new college president and why each individual is qualified:

ð Rush Limbaugh. He can manipulate statistics like no one else can. Never again will Metroâs enrollment or standards decline. Rush will just blame such a perceived decline on scare tactics used by democrats.
 

ð Fidel Castro. Already adept at running a dictatorship. Also will bring in many fine Cuban cigars, all the rage these days down in LoDo.

ð Dan Quayle. Because ãThe Metä is easier to spell than potato.

ð The lead singer for the rock group No Doubt (donât know her name, donât care). Because sheâs Hot!!

ð Bill Gates. No more Apple computer problems. Actually, no more Apple computers at all.

ð Agent Scully or Agent Mulder. Letâs face it. There are some strange occurrences around here that go unexplained. If they canât figure it out, no one can.

ð Manuel Escamilla, former assistant vice president of Student Services. So protesting students who have no clue will quit their ignorant whining.

ð Princess Di. Oh wait. Sheâs dead.

ð John and Patsy Ramsey. They can keep a secret.

ð Hillary Clinton. Because she used to be Hot, and sheâs smart, too!!

ð Walt Weiss. Can turn a better double-play than Sheila. Come back to Colorado, Walt!

ð Travis Henry. So I can really piss you off. You think itâs bad now?
 

ð Steven Spielberg. We really, really need a Planet Hollywood in the Tivoli.

ð Saddam Hussein. Loyal to the death. Down with godless, greedy capitalist state legislators! Give us the money or else!

ð Ascent Promoter Barry Fey. We really need some good bands down here at Auraria. Not to mention scantily clad Las Vegas showgirls. Nobodyâs going to see them at Nuggets games, Barry, nobody.

ð Ted Kennedy. The Boiler Room has been having a slow month.
As you can see, there are many fine candidates out there to replace the president we have now. If you come into contact with any of these fine individuals, please urge them to announce their interest in Sheilaâs job.
The sooner, the better.