Want your ass kicked? Find out how

By B. Erin Cole
The Metropolitan

Last Monday, which would be more specifically Nov. 17, I went to go see Stereolab. They were great ÷ transcendent, even. So what am I complaining about? Why am I even writing this column?

Well, the crowd at the aforementioned show was easily the worst that Iāve seen at a Denver show in a very long time. And believe me, Iāve seen some bad ones. I didnāt have to punch anyone (which I have done before), but I estimate that a good number of the folks I saw a few days ago deserved a good ass whuppinā.

So, because I know how fascinated you all are about the topic, I present ÷ Five Ways To Get Me To Kick Your Ass At A Concert.

1. Being much more interested in conversing with your friends than in watching the show. You can talk to your damn friends anytime. Thatās why the phone was invented. Iām not talking about the occasional comment here and there, Iām addressing the fine folks out there who chattered the entire duration of the show. Specifically, Iām talking about the two guys in front of me who would just not shut up, no matter how many people glared at them.

2. Being obnoxious. In every large crowd, there is at least one incredibly annoying person who everyone wants to hurt. This showās shining example

is the guy in the back who kept yelling, ćFuck techno! Bring out the guitars!ä at Mouse on Mars, the opening band. OK, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but dumb people shouldnāt share theirs. If he didnāt want to be exposed to such horrors as ÷ gasp ÷ electronic music, why did he come to this particular show?

3. Dancing with malice. I donāt mind dancing at shows. I do it a lot myself.  But there is always the occasional moment when what may be fun to you invokes hatred in the eyes of others. An example would be the person in front of me who kept bumpinā her ass into my side. She needed to be hurt, especially after she said to me:ćHoney, if you were dancing harder, then I wouldnāt *need* to keep ramminā into you.ä (Note: I was dancing. And Iām not your honey.)

4. Being incredibly pleased with your own particular subculture. This concert brought together the weirdest mix of camps that Iāve seen in Denver for awhile. Shiny rave kids, scary emo boys, band shirt-clad indie rockers, weird goofy ćI just wanna see their Moogä technophile goofs ... they were all there. I heard enough of ćmy God, why are those people hereä at the show to last me a lifetime.

5. Bonking the heads of people coming up the stairs with your fist. For some reason, these two guys who were standing on an overhang over the stairs going up to the exit/bar/restroom/whatever. About halfway during the show, they thought it would be a good idea to slap everyone who came up the stairs on top of the head. Slapping turned to poking, and poking turned into bonking, and there became some very, very pissed people. One of the guys was sitting in a very precarious position on the rail, and I spent a lot of time during the show mulling over whether or not I should push him off.

I had a good time, even though it may not seem like it. But beware. If I catch any of you out there doing these things ÷ well, you know. Youāve had ample warning.