Win, lose or draw, I still come out on top in SGA election-fiasco

By Dave Flomberg

And the winner is ...

By the time this column runs, Metro will be the proud owner of a new Student Government Assembly. As I write, I have no idea who will head this motley crew. Instead, I possess only the vague hope that something went drastically wrong with the whole process and the cast from South Park got elected. Maybe blues legend Denver Joe.

But the reality is, regardless of who won what position, Metro students were treated to a much more interesting campaign than I have seen in my four years on this campus. Iād like to think my involvement in this whole process had something to do with that.

I mean, this race had everything ÷ mudslinging, empty rhetoric, vague assertions, even implied scandal crept its way into the whole thing. We had a big party shoo-in matched up against a loud-mouthed journalist. Then, from out of nowhere appeared the third candidate ÷ a downtrodden, oppressed woman whose valiant effort at saving such a pointless battle was quashed by the sinister forces of the Election Commission. She bemoans her plight to the

campus (Actually, let me take this opportunity to thank her for all the free press her fine fliers garnered me. Her angst-ridden addling pushed my polling points up faster than my staff could keep track of.) and snatches the underdog constituency out from under me.

And it was all for your entertainment.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Make no mistake ÷ it wonāt end here. The next year will hopefully be full of fun reading and laughable antics courtesy of those Keystone Kops of the politically plugged-in set. If I win, I promise itāll be the most entertaining year on record. The day I take office, hilarity ensues.

If I lose, Iām sure itāll be at least as funny, if not more so. Only itāll be unintended, which everyone knows is the funniest type of humor.

For example, I went down to cast my vote for office an hour after the huge ćprotestä at the flag pole. Several of my opponentās ticket mates stood at the edge of the 50-foot radius of the polling place campaigning their little hearts out.

ćArenāt you going to campaign?!ä they shouted to me.

Does anyone read this newspaper? Certainly they do, because theyāre usually the first to confront me on something Iāve written that they felt was reprehensible. If they had been paying attention, they would have realized that any campaigning I did would have been hypocritical to my campaign platform. As it was, I spent exactly nothing on my campaign, and wasted none of your precious time listening to me spout endlessly about what I plan to accomplish.

If you voted me in, then thank you for not voting in that other guy. If you voted in that other guy, then thank you for not voting me in.

Either way, I guess the winner is ...

Me.