Parking racket bites students

Extortion is as rampant as ever here at Auraria, and as usual,  students are the victims.

Iām speaking of the organized crime family called Parking and Transportation Services. You know, those people that say theyāll protect your car for $2 a day. If you donāt pay up, youāll find your car kidnapped and held for ransom at a barbed-wire compound a few blocks from campus.

I had a chat with Dave Berry, the office manager for parking services. He said that there are about 6,300 parking spaces on this campus, used by about 10,000 cars a day. According to my figures, the average price for one of these spaces is about $1.58.

To me, that means that parking is generating at least $16,800 a day in revenue for Auraria or around $1.2 million a semester.

And whoās monitoring your parking? Berry, or second Don for the family, said that parking services employs ća little more than 50 people ... (about 30 of which) are hourly students.ä

Turncoats!! Benedict Arnolds!!

Anyway, at an average of $5.83 per hour and 25 hours a week, more than $5,000 a week is being paid to these traitors. Figure in the rest of the middle and upper management positions, and that number soars to around $12,000 a week, or $180,000 a semester.

Nice numbers racket, no?

So why not take the bus? Well, I live too far off the bus route to make it worthwhile, as Iām sure many students might. But, hey, I still pay for students to use the bus.

So hereās what I propose. Charge each student who drives a fee of $30 a semester, allowing them to waive the bus pass fee. That should raise a minimum of $500,000.

Cut the parking staff to 20 people÷ 15 hourly, three administrative positions and two managers. Trim that fat like Oprah on a good week.

If youāre not paying a fee every time you park, that means you arenāt paying some unhappy sop to sit there and take your money while blaming you for his sad state of existence.

Under my plan, everyone will get a sticker for their car, allowing them to park anywhere. The only people who will get towed are the ones who deserve to, not the students.

As students, we pay way too much in tuition and other inane fees to have to throw $2 a day into Aurariaās back pocket.

Iām tired of feeling like Marv Albertās dinner guest every time I come to this campus, as Iām sure most of you are.