Future looks, well, similar
Let us take a few moments to gaze in the special Lowdown Crystal Ball. Concentrate, and you can see the future:
The Metropolitan Online. October 20, 2012
News Section
Metro school officials said today that the college will no longer use the moniker ãThe Metä when referring to the school.
ãIt makes us sound like a second-rate college,ä one school official said.
The new guidelines handed down by the college president urged all departments and promotions associated with the school to use the more ãdignifiedä full name, Metropolitan State College of Denver.
ãPeople can still use ÎThe Metâ if they want,ä the school official said. ãI donât know why everyone is making such a big deal of it.ä
Features Section
More and more college graduates are returning to school to get a second degree.
One such person, former Metro student and journalism grad Travis Henry just started work on his second one. This time he is concentrating on Human Development.
ãI just couldnât take it anymore,ä Henry said. ãAll the hate mail really gets to you. All I ever really wanted was to be loved.ä
Student Publications Director Kyle Ringo says that Henry has a job waiting for him at The Metropolitan Online if he promises to be ãkinder and gentler.ä
Letter to the Editor
Editor,
Travis Henryâs guest editorial was horrible. How can he compare rocket moon trips to international airline flights? Saying that the standards should be the same just shows what a truly evil, sadistic man he is.
Mr. Henry, do you see the big picture now?
If the standards should be the same, what about the standards for bike riders? Shouldnât they have licenses too, huh? And what about skaters?
Oh, yeah. I forgot. You donât care about skaters or bike riders.
Itâs people like you that got ãThe Metä changed back to Metropolitan State College of Denver.
I hope you are happy.
Signed,
You know who you are
Sports
Barry Fey announced today that he is quitting his job as promoter for the Denver Nuggets to head up a new sports promotion team at Metro.
ãThe Nuggets just suck,ä Fey said. ãI am getting too old for this crap. I am going to Metro, and we are going to kick a*@!ä
Fey said that the Roadrunners already consistently outsell the Nuggets and with new promotions such as ãfree legal marijuanaä night, Metro should eventually have a sports program competing with CSU and Air Force.
ãI wonât let what happened to CU happen to Metro, dammit,ä Fey promised.
He was, of course, referring to the demolition of Boulder and the CU campus for a super-arena serving the Colorado area.
Classified
Need young, clueless college students for cross-animal cloning experiments. Contact Rick at 555-5555.
