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Please, don't Touch this movie
By Joe Nguyen
nguyejos@mscd.edu

Courtesy of Miramax Films The Touch Rated PG-13 86 minutes Opens Sept. 1

Treasure-hunting stories are supposed to be fun deductive puzzles. The main characters search the corners of the globe to find clues that logically lead them closer and closer to their coveted prize.

This is what treasure-hunting stories are supposed to be like.

It also contrasts sharply with The Touch, directed by Academy-award winning cinematographer Peter Pau (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). While the film showcases an ample array of stunning shots, its cavity-infested storyline, sub-par acting and hideous computer animation make it one of the worst movies in years.

The Touch stars Michelle Yeoh (Memoirs of a Geisha) and Brandon Chang as siblings Yin and Tong Pak, the last heirs in a family of acrobats who are assigned to protect an ancient relic left behind by a Buddhist monk. Ben Chaplin (The Thin Red Line) is Eric, a thief formerly part of the acrobatic troupe who finds his way back into their ranks after stealing the relic he originally lifted for villain Karl, played by Richard Roxburgh (Moulin Rouge!).

After the first half-hour, I found myself furrowing my eyebrows in a vain attempt to understand what was happening. Characters were venturing deeper and deeper into the mystery without actually uncovering clues that would lead them to its resolution. It was like a game of Monopoly in which everyone went straight to Boardwalk with no attention to the roll of the dice.

The acting isn’t much better, as there is little chemistry between the characters. Yeoh and Chaplin behave more like strangers than past lovers.

Roxburgh, who is quickly becoming the premier Australian-born villain in cinema, is marvelous when he’s giving monologues, but struggles when he interacts with other cast members. He seems especially uncomfortable with Dane Cook, who plays a small role as a henchman.

Cook’s cameo was one of the film’s few bright spots. As Bob, Karl’s bumbling henchman, he fully utilizes his patented frantic style. In one scene, Bob is left behind by his associates and the acrobatic troupe advances on him. Instead of cowering, Bob furiously sheds his shirt and jacket, stretches, challenges them and fails spectacularly.

The long, elaborate fight scenes feature “wire-fu,” a technique popularized in the States by The Matrix series. Although visually stunning, the action sequences are far and few between.

The final battle was done predominantly with simply atrocious CGI. From the moving rock floor to the fire arrows, nothing looked remotely real. Luckily, the story was so diluted at this point that the special effects were irrelevant.

The Touch could have been good, or at least average. It features star power, beautiful scenery and elaborate fight choreography. Too bad no one spent any time on the script.