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I'll huff, puff and piss Auraria off
By Matthew Quane
mquane@mscd.edu

It is rare that I use the term “whiny liberal” with disdain. When the words escape my mouth, they are generally in self-jest. But now I have a worthy candidate for the moniker: those attempting to enact a campus-wide smoking ban.

I agreed with the clean-air activists when they pushed their indoor smoking ban on Colorado. It was the sort of propaganda that could make Phillip Morris envious. I can understand why nonsmokers want – nay, deserve – clean air in work environments and restaurants.

I do not understand the bar ban, though. Does anyone go to a bar for health-conscious reasons, other than to exercise their ever-important liver?

An outdoor smoking ban is one bandwagon I cannot jump on. It verges on being, well, whiny.
The complaints from nonsmokers bear a striking resemblance from case to case. They are upset that smokers huddle en masse around the entranceways of buildings and force the whiners to take a deep breath of self-righteousness before they skirt into the safe air of the building.

I admit I am a fairly casual smoker. I can often be found in front of the Tivoli, smoking with my compatriots on brief breaks from the stress of producing a weekly student newspaper. I took one while writing this column.

And smokers are well aware of the health risks associated with smoking. It is impossible for any American not to be. Television inundates viewers with anti-smoking ads paid for by cigarette companies. And we are reminded every time a health-conscious passerby goes out of their way to inform us that cigarettes kill or waves their hand in front of their face in an oh-so-pretentious manner.

The Silver and Gold Record, UCD’s faculty and staff newspaper, quoted Auraria Higher Education Center board member Larry Lopez asking why nonsmokers must “fight their way through smoke” to get to a building. Now, Larry, I would not consider myself to be in peak physical condition, but if you have to “fight” your way through smoke, you should really hit the gym.

There remains the ever-present argument that the offensive odor of cigarettes permeates the entryways and lingers long after smokers have retreated to their offices and classrooms. Of course, if we begin banning offensive odors, we will have to add Bathing 1010 into our freshman curriculum. Sorry, Mr. Hippie, but those skanky dreadlocks have got to go.

All jokes aside, the issue comes down to personal liberties and the exercise thereof. While this campus may house its share of simpletons, we have to respect the lifestyle choices they make.
If the ban is passed, Auraria may have to face a smoker uprising, the likes of which I would be unafraid to lead. Defiant smokers already ignore the signs instructing them to perform their smoky deeds 20 feet from the buildings. More legislation would only embolden us.

I can envision the backlash now: packs of unrepentant smokers roving the campus like wolves, circling nonsmokers like prey, huffing and puffing ashy retribution.

I have seen the future. It tastes of revenge and fine Turkish blends.