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Metro: The slogan that's also a school
By Taylor Sullivan
tsulli21@mscd.edu

“Metro: Where success begins with you.” If you had to guess, wouldn’t you say this sounds like an advertising line for a rehab center? It might as well be “Metro: The second-chance college.” Or how about “Metro: It could be worse.”

Meant to turn around public perception of Metro, this tagline, along with a new logo, business cards, letterheads and debt, is part of the All-Powerful President Stephen Jordan’s master plan to dip Metro in gold and conquer the universe.

Lofty goals for a tagline that sounds like it came from a public service announcement.

The new mantra came as a result of Jordan’s push to redevelop Metro’s image. Apparently the public doesn’t have such a good perception of Metro. This is why we have such a pathetic enrollment of merely 22,000 students.

In order to get rid of Metro’s image as a second-rate college and push Metro to the size of a small city, Jordan hired a crack team of marketers. It must have been hard finding such a skilled team to take on the dubious task of taking Metro from its spot just above community colleges to a glorious new spot just below universities.

And this was no cheap affair. The administration wasn’t available for exact numbers, but tens of thousands of dollars was paid for a tagline that the geniuses must have come up with during a commercial break of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. In fact, I’m thinking about dropping journalism and going into marketing, because apparently you can charge people whatever you want and deliver a big steaming pile of rhetoric. I think this can be filed into the frivolous-spending folder.

I really think Metro should start shopping around for things like this. I have friends who would have done a better job for $50 and a bong rip. Or, even better, Metro has a marketing program; why not assign some of the Metro marketeers to the task? Out of 300 students, one group would have to do better than “Where success begins with you,” and it wouldn’t cost a cent.

Here, I even have a few suggestions:

• Metro: Close to the restaurant where you work.
• Metro: 22,000 students: There’s no way you won’t hook up.
• Metro: We have a Subway and a Taco Bell!
• Metro: The Funiversity.
• And the winner: Metro: You can’t fail here!