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Transgender woman pushes definition of love

As far as I was concerned, the story was already written. By the time I had called Sable, I knew her story. A tragic male-to-female transgender. Lovesick. No one understands her, I would write. She is alone. All she wants is to find that one perfect man to make her feel like a woman. I was sure of it. The perfect Valentine’s Day story.

God, was I wrong.

You see, Sable Schultz, 36, is a program assistant for Metro’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Student Services office. She is happily married, queer and non-monogamous. She lives with two girlfriends, neither of them her wife, and is actively dating two other Denverites, neither her wife. She is also involved in two long-distance relationships, you guessed it, neither her wife.

Today, Sable suggests there is a movement toward a fluid sexuality and lifestyle. It’s a small movement, she acknowledges, but a movement nonetheless.

For Sable personally, her nonmonogamistic lifestyle began even before her journey into womanhood.

“Why should I have to be committed to one person?” she asked rhetorically. “To make one person my everything is so oppressive.”

Growing up, Sable dated girls. But she — then a he — always had a different type of bond with them, she said. Although she feared he wasn’t man enough, her girlfriends always said she related well to them.

But while Sable’s girlfriends could open up to him, she was very lonely and felt isolated through her teen years and into her 20s, even after he married.

“There was a period when I just couldn’t talk about it,” she said.

Neither could anyone else. The only time you heard about a transgender person at all, for that matter, was when they were on the Sally Jesse Raphael or Donahue show, Sable said. The women on those shows were always lovesick and interested in men. A male-to-female lesbian — basically what Sable wanted to become — seemed never to have existed before.

But Sable had an active love life with women and wanted to maintain it, just not as a male.

Sable’s desire to be a woman dates back to her elementary school days. While she couldn’t say exactly when she knew she wanted to be a woman, she always knew something wasn’t right.

“I didn’t feel connected to other boys.” There was no brotherhood, she explained. “I was more sissy, I got harassed a lot by my grandfather and peers.”

Sable’s mom was divorced and her grandfather acted as a surrogate father.

“Growing up I was always envious of the way girls got to dress. If I had a choice, I know I would have wanted to be born a girl.”

Then when Sable was 18, in 1990, he met Silk. And they were married.

Still, Sable’s life was essentially wrong.

“I thought there was no way I could be a woman and be in love with another woman,” she said.

But in 1994 Sable met April, another male to female who was going through the transformation. April was also interested in continuing a relationship with women. Meeting April helped, as did the Internet. Like many people, Sable was able to learn about the transgender culture and meet other people who had similar stories.

Meanwhile, Silk was primarily heterosexual. Although Sable said her wife always had a bi-curious element to her. But Sable had no idea how Silk would react when she learned her husband wanted to become her wife.

“I was so scared of losing her,” she said.

In 1999, after five years of research and soul-searching Sable, took his wife to a park.

“We wandered all day, she was afraid I wanted to leave her, and I was afraid she was going to leave me when I told her,” she said.

But Silk told Sable she was in love with the person, not the gender. It was the most romantic day of her life, she said.

“When Silk told me she fell in love with the person and not the gender, I knew that was real love. It was a level of unconditional love that I hope a lot of people would strive for,”

Sable pointed out. While her identity transitioned, so did Silk’s. She was no longer heterosexual with a transgender wife.

“Not a lot of people report that side of the story,” she said. Silk was unavailable for comment. Sable has been involved in hormone treatment since 2005 and, citing the financial commitment, said it’s unlikely she’ll undergo any surgery to change her anatomy. And she’s OK with that.

“My gender is not validated by my genitals, however, I’d like a vagina,” she joked.

She said over time her idea of sex has changed. While she does indulge in kissing, petting and occasionally oral sex, Sable says she prefers to practice energy exchanges with her partners, male or female. “There is a lot of imagination involved,” she said.

Her two live-in girlfriends are Sophi and Cara. Silk currently lives in Colorado Springs with another girlfriend.

Sophi told me Sable picked her out of a crowd at a goth party years ago.

“I’ve belonged to her ever since,” Sophi said. “It’s wonderful. Sable knows what I feel even when I can’t communicate it.”

And while little has changed between Sable and Sophi, Sable said her relationship with Silk has grown and transformed just as she has.

“I love Silk differently now,” Sable said. “It’s not the same kind of new romantic energy, there is more of a comfort.”

Sable said she believes the more you love yourself, the more love will come to you.

“I love a lot, that’s why I’m not monogamous,” she said, adding, “By coming out and being more true to myself, I found more love. As I’ve come out more and the more I’ve found myself, the more connected I feel with other people. I’m able to share myself more truly.”

And while there is plenty of love to go around, Sable is no stranger to a lovers’ quarrel.

There are some problems like jealously, she said. “Jealously is usually when you see someone getting a need met that you aren’t getting met,” she said. So they dialogue and come to a conclusion that makes everyone happy.

“We had our spats,” she said of her multiple partners. “But the most difficult challenge is balancing time between them and keeping time for myself.”

“No matter how much I love a person, I have to be true to myself first,” she said.