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Get out now: U.S. doomed

An evil strain of the common cold, or perhaps the flu, or even a new and terrible sort of plague has been going around for some time now. I am in no position to classify it, but suffice it to say that my head feels like a goddamn balloon, and the rest of my body feels as though it is locked in a perpetual state of war.

I have been avoiding this terrible condition longer than most, and I was proud of my health while I was surrounded by sickly freaks, even going so far as to laugh and poke them with empty bottles of vitamin C while I drank wine and cursed them for being dumb and laid up. But all of that vitamin C was not enough, and now this evil bug has somehow found its way into the impenetrable fortress that is my magnificent body.

I am terrified to go outside because of the sub-freezing temperatures, and if my nasal passages become any more stymied by this awful goo, the pressure will force my eyes to burst from their sockets and my ears will bleed until I die.

This is a fate that I have been brooding over for some time, and I have decided that it is an acceptable fate for two reasons. Reason the first: that I have come so near death due to this appalling germ that I would rather choke myself than go on, and reason number two: that death seems much more inviting now that I have been incapacitated for long enough to have watched television for more than one hour all at once, reminding me that I would rather bleed from my ears than witness what is unfolding on the national political level.

And since I do not yet own a shotgun, the television was allowed to go on and on and on . . . But that is what happens when people get sick. They pray for sleep, or at least the ability to breathe properly, but are instead confounded by intolerable amounts of television. Normally, I would laugh at myself for saying a thing like that, but the television was like a crutch that I could not dispose of in my time of desperation. Its consistency allowed me to retain some degree of sanity, I think, and even a little bit of prophetic wisdom.

So, to wit: if Barack Obama wins the Democratic nomination, and Hillary Clinton does not force the party to self-destruct, there will be a series of terrible events to follow. First, and most obvious, is the dreadful realization that the only real alternative for the presidency will be a senile old man who would be more useful to himself and all of us if he were dead.

But John McCain will not win the presidency because I refuse to predict that people could possibly be so insane that they would wish their children to be forced to say things like, “My mom voted for John McCain in 2008.” That is just too much.

If Obama wins the presidency, and there are no attempts on his life, that will be a good indication that he indeed works for nefarious people somewhere behind the scenes and is just another politician. All good people are killed by bad people who want to keep things still, and if Obama is not the antichrist (evidence seems to suggest that he is a viable candidate), then someone will probably kill him.

Paradoxically, Hillary Clinton will not be assassinated should she win the presidency because her purpose is to help flush people’s lives down the toilet. Reagan’s purpose was very similar, but the half-assed assassination attempt made against him was a sort of anomaly not to be considered applicable to the habitual and routine murder of every political figure who seems in any way reasonable. Besides, the ‘80s are taboo, and nearly everything that happened during that foul decade is better off forgotten.

My advice: take your savings and move to the countryside in France, or maybe even Denmark, where you can watch the U.S. self-destruct from a safe distance. Smart people do that sort of thing, so you can rest assured that you are not likely to see very many of your neighbors settling in near you.

But, unfortunately, people rarely listen to the type of advice that they should, just like I refused to see a doctor when I thought I was going to die. But that is the fault of our substandard health care system and my suspicion that doctors secretly inject all of us with mind-altering serum in order to help create a nation full of slobbering, obedient imbeciles. Another story for another day I guess.