Home > Metrospective

Advice From Chick & Dick

Old men can’t help but stare ...

I am a younger decent girl, and have a frequent problem. In quite a few places I run into guys who are considerably older who take me for way older than I actually am. While at times it is kinda flattering to be hit on by older guys, sometimes it is a bit creepy and I don’t quite know how to avoid these uncomfortably awkward moments that so frequently happen. – Underage, you creepo!

Chick: It’s never too early to learn how to fend off an unwelcome advance.

If the guy is drunk, you can be as callous, rude, offensive, physical and downright nasty as you like in your rebuff. Sample: You say, “Fuck off, asshole, you remind me of my father,” while accidentally shoving a knee/toe/beverage glass in the guy’s crotch. It’s perfectly acceptable if your glass is full at the time. If he’s so adamant about getting something young, make it a nice Beaujolais that will give him a permanent reminder across his zipper.

However, if it’s a serious inquiry from an earnest guy, one must keep in mind the fragile male ego. One might respond, “I am sooooo flattered, but my mom’s expecting me home soon. Hey, you look a lot like a guy she’s been dating. Is your name Paul?”

By the time you’re ready to date, or drink, or drink and date, you’ll have the lines and the moves down to take care of yourself!

Dick: As Matthew McConaughey said in Dazed and Confused: “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

Listen up, young, decent girl. This isn’t a decent world. While I don’t condone such lewd behavior, it’s a sad fact of life that’s as old as the story of Jerry Lee Lewis and his 12- year-old niece.

Not to mention, as a 33-year-old man who occasionally makes eyes at a 17-year-old or two, it’s really hard to tell sometimes. And, honestly, young girls tend to lend to the wrong impression. I’ve seen the way my 15- year-old sister and her friends dress, and there’s certainly something inappropriately revealing about it. Now I know that this isn’t the case for all young girls (especially a self-professed “decent” girl like you), but all I’m saying is it’s hard to remember how young you are when you dress like an adult. Think about how much you girls love looking at Matthew McConaughey without his shirt on… which is all the time. So we’ll give you Matt and you let us embarrass ourselves once in awhile. Deal?

E-mail your questions to
ngarci20@mscd.edu