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Mr.Spitzer goes to Washington

Pimps, whores and evangelists have taken over Washington, D.C. … Mother of bastard Jesus, that wasn’t quite as startling as it should have been. Any other columnist might have written something like that and been righteously fixed on revealing some terrible thing to the public as though it were news, but not me. I have come to terms with the pervert invasion and occupation of the capital, and come well prepared. I am an expert in these matters, a wide-eyed scientist, a thoroughbred cowboy with a pencil and a taste for the blood of politicians.

Indeed, those of us fortunate enough to have cerebral awareness do not bother with convincing the proletariat of things beyond their fragile comprehension. We simply acknowledge the truth as it manifests. If the herd cannot recognize the world and its shameful ways, then they will all die miserable deaths, and good riddance to them.

I have no desire to prove that Washington is full of the same squirmy, creepy little bottom suckers that you might read about in some twisted fairy tale like the Bible. That is so abundantly obvious that I might just as well march outside and take to screaming at people about things like atmospheric composition and the intellectual capacity of dogs, which happens to be flourishing at a measure far more notable than that of human beings.

Gadzooks, what is this I hear? Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught shipping prostitutes from New York all the way to Washington for a bit of frolicking in the Mayflower Hotel, and on the people’s dime no less. It seems that his wife, Silda, was simply unable to satisfy the desires of that ghoul-faced nut sucker.

Apparently, he met with a hooker from some hooker peddling production called the Emperor’s Club VIP … indeed. Spitzer was given the title of “Client 9” by the hooker elite, and was busted in a secret bugging operation. But the filthy rich are capable of this sort of behavior. I’m sure the Emperor’s Club has no shortage of disgustingly well-to-do old men slobbering and masturbating all over themselves because they’ve managed to hijack the most powerful nation on earth.

But, save us oh sweet cherry wine, the list of dirty mongrels continues. …

I’m sure everyone remembers Larry Craig, the gentleman from Idaho who was caught with his penis in another man’s hand at a urinal station in a Minnesota airport. Witnessing such a thing must have been incredibly demoralizing for those who might have seen it, or anyone who has been risking their life flying on airplanes for that matter. Larry was elected to protect us from the evils of terrorist hijackers, homosexuals and other heathens of that nature. Seeing him clearly neglecting his watch and engaging in a homosexual act himself must have sent those poor unsuspecting bystanders into hysterical fits of anger and panic. We here at The Metropolitan pity those unfortunate souls . . .

Spirit of St. Luke’s sandals, the list forever continues … Mark Foley’s desire of babies, campaign funds filched from African AIDS relief, David Vitter’s phone number found in the speed dial of an escort service, not enough space here to do any justice.

To witness the same people who place their religious morals on a high and fanatical pedestal succumb to the naughty cravings of humankind brings them and anyone associated with them back down to a level where the rest of us can bombard them with the rotten fruit they pass on, and anyone who sees any politician in the future should certainly do so.

Oh dear leaders, “I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul” (1 Peter 2:11). But, it seems they cannot. Perhaps they are simply without soul altogether. No barriers, no will-power. I piss on Washington. The military ought to be sent to recapture that forsaken piece of dirt. Yes, tie all the politicians and lawyers and their associates together in a licentious pile of human garbage, have them all picked up in a huge net, and drop them smack in the middle of the Euphrates between Al Fallujah and Ar Ramadi. Give them what they deserve, and spare no one. . . . There is, although, a lesson to be learned in this beyond the obvious and well-established fact that politicians are all lying, despicable scumbags who deserve neither the respect nor the admiration of any person in this country. Indeed, the less obvious message here is that you should all be very cautious of any restroom, hotel, airport or any public space you may choose to enter as there could very well be a dirty U. S. senator hiding in the shadows, tapping his foot, eager to tempt you toward the nearest corner to violate you or your children in a much more intimate way than they normally do.