Jeff Maher

Some people will do anything to get a girl’s attention.  This week, two women came home and found a naked man waiting for them in one of their bedrooms.  According to the story, Nimroid Folsom, 30, was found in the bedroom by one of the women around 9am, Monday.  Police responded immediately and arrested poor Nimroid on charges pending burglary and indecent exposure.  It’s not known how long Nimroid was in the house, and he is also being investigated for a separate incident where he was caught watching a girl take a shower in the women’s locker room on the Auraria campus.

Now, when we look at someone like Nimroid, we shake our heads and say, ‘Oh what has our society come to?’ 

But what if he was just trying a new method of picking up girls?  What if the pick up lines, the bar scene, and the whole dating game just wasn’t working for him, and he decided to just do what comes natural? 

A RISKY MOVE So you come home and find a naked pervert sitting in your bed. Don't panic, he's just trying to get to know you. Using the 'Nimroid' move can either land you in prison, or in the arms of a beautiful girl.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be Johnny Cochran here, but rather I am just trying to look at this situation from a different perspective.  There’s no doubt that Nimroid is guilty of being perverse, and is probably as embarrassed as anyone who purchased a Pontiac Aztek.  But what if after this incident, Nimroid becomes a pioneer for picking up women?  It’s quite possible that from this day forth, naked strangers will begin turning up in our bedrooms left and right.  Just think about it, you come home from a long day at work, you kick of your shoes and hang up your jacket, and then walk into your room and find someone lying naked in your bed.  Do you scream, run away, or beat them senseless with a baseball bat?  Why do any of those?  Look at it as a very convenient way to make a new friend.  You have no idea who they are, where they came from or what their personality is like.  So there’s a lot to talk about.  Get to know them, ask them questions, find out what motivated them to do such a thing, and ask them if they think your bed is comfy.  Just because they are invading your privacy and your bed doesn’t mean you have the right to be so selfish as to call the local authorities. 

I see this as being the new wave of dating.  People from all over the world will begin using what I call, ‘The Nimroid’.  As guys get rejected over and over again at the clubs, their friends will start to say, “Well have you tried using the Nimroid with her yet?”  And I see girls at bars saying, “Wow that guy is so hot, but I don’t know how to approach him.  I should probably just pull a Nimroid on him.”

Why beat around the bush?  I say we all cut the crap cake and get down to the beef.  That’s what the cavemen did 3.2 million years ago.  They acted like animals and they did what came natural.  Do you think a cavewoman would call the cave police if she came home to find a naked caveman sitting on her stone slab?  No way, she would look him over, sniff him a little bit, and then make a decision.  Why has that changed?  Millions of years of human evolution, and all we’ve become is a bunch of walking, talking, programmed robots who say what we think is cool, wear what we think is hip, and stand around like a bunch of idiots waiting for something to happen.  We’ve established rules, laws, and norms within our society, yet we all become hypocrites because we eventually do the exact thing we forbid. 

Nimroid Folson went out on a limb, no doubt about it.  But his intentions were sincere, he wasn’t violent, and didn’t try to rape anybody.  He simply made himself available to the female of his choice.  She certainly made her choice by calling the cops, and he will likely spend time in jail for it.  And while Nimroid spends several months, possibly years behind bars, he will be wondering why the nature of man has turned to hypocrisy.  As he sleeps on a stiff mattress in a concrete cell, people from all over will be dancing freely in clubs, humping, grinding, and doing things a hundred times worse than what Nimroid did.  But he will forever be looked at as a public enemy, a deviant, a low-life, and a menace to society.  And all of this for what?  Because he woke up one day and said to himself, “There’s a first time for everything.  Somebody’s got to do it, bite the bullet, and the rest will follow.”

Hats off to you Nimroid.

THIS WEEK’S AVAILABLE BACHELORETTE

Meet Jessica Murray Lady of the night

Jessica Murray, 21, is a girl who loves the nightlife.  She says she spends her entire day sleeping in bed, just so that she can be a woman of the night.  And when she goes out, it’s party time.  She and her friends go to at least ten clubs every night, and never pay for their drinks.

“Me and my friends are beautiful girls,” she says.  “Anytime we walk in the room, everyone just stops and stares at us.  I love it, men are so pathetic.”

Murray is looking for a guy who won’t follow her around everywhere she goes.  She says it seems like every guy she dates immediately beckons to her every call.  She wants someone who is attractive, financially secure, old, and most importantly, will give her some space.

Her ultimate career goal is to be a centerfold for Playboy or Penthouse.  She is currently doing modeling work for local motorcycle shops and is the official pin-up girl for Harvey’s Steak Cabin in Evergreen. 

Her favorite food is orange sprouts, and she especially loves men who know how to cook.

“Knowing how to make food is so important to maintain a steady relationship,” she says.  “I can be very picky with what I eat, and if I wake up one day and ask for a Salisbury steak with horse radish on the side, my man better get up and make it for me.”

Murray often goes jogging in Washington Park wearing nothing but a thong and sports bra.  She loves the attention.

“Everyone stares at me at the park,” she says.  “And I don’t blame them.  If I was somebody else, I would stare at me too.”

When she’s not making jaws drop in the park, you can find her screaming on the roller coasters at Elitch’s.  She said one time she was with a big group of her stripper friends when they got stuck upside down on the Mind Eraser. 

“We sat there for a while waiting for them to fix it, but eventually we got bored and took off our tops.  So you can imagine the commotion from down below when 8 beautiful, topless girls are stuck upside down on the roller coaster,” she says.  “I thought there was going to be a riot down there.”

Murray admits to being a riot herself, and says she can drink anybody under the table.  At parties, she says she is the center of attention when she starts playing strip poker.

“Even though I always win, people always just crowd around me hoping I will take off my clothes,” she says.

Murray wants a guy who can keep up with her crazy lifestyle.  She also wants someone who can deal with an open relationship.

“I love meeting and going out with people,” she says.  “If every guy in Denver were hot, I would date them all.”

If you would like to meet Jessica Murray, email our Cupid Connector at bzjet@aol.com

THIS WEEK’S AVAILABLE BACHELOR

Meet Danny Osmond He loves his kittens

Danny Osmond, 22, says he is the sweetest guy in the world.  Osmond grew up in Cedar Hills, Iowa, where he and his Mormon family made their living on a kitten farm.  Osmond spent his childhood years brushing the kitten’s fur and giving them fresh milk for breakfast.  He says his most enjoyable time on the farm was when he would take the kittens out in the grass fields to play hide-and-go-seek. 

“I loved those kitties,” Osmond says.  “They were my life, my love, and my passion.”

But not all was pretty on the farm.  Osmond’s father was a corrupt and evil man, who raised the kittens strictly for the sake of selling them for their fur to local coat shops.  He had a love for cigars, and was always smoking one everywhere he went.

At age seven, Osmond was traumatized by one particular incident during the summer.  At the age of four, his parents gave him a wonderful birthday present.  It was a beautiful red Tabby cat whom he named ‘Raspberry’.  His father promised him that Raspberry would be his pet forever and not be sold at the coat shops.  So for the next three years, Osmond and Raspberry were like two apples in a bucket.  They did everything together.  Everyday he would pull Raspberry along behind him in a little red wheel cart down to the market.  They would share mango-nut ice cream with each other, watch the cows get milked at the dairy, take rides in the hay wagon, and cuddle up as they daydreamed in old man Pillsbury’s hammock.  Raspberry was his best friend in the world.

But back at the kitten farm, times grew rough.  Osmond’s father was hiding the fact that he was near bankruptcy and began to feed his children creamed corn for supper every single night.  Suddenly one morning, Osmond woke up to find Raspberry missing. 

He and his family spent the entire day searching for Raspberry.  Osmond knocked on every door in town asking if anybody had seen his loving red Tabby.  Nothing turned up.  The day came and went, but there was no sign of Raspberry.  Osmond’s father convinced him that Raspberry got eaten by a wolf and would never be seen again.  That night, he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, Osmond went to town hoping to ease his pain from losing Raspberry.  But it only made matters worse when he walked by the ice cream shop. 

“That was the worst part,” he says.  “All of the memories of me and Raspberry came back and I just completely lost it.  I collapsed in the dirt and cried in front of all the people.”

After he pulled himself together, Osmond began to walk back home, but not before passing by Hanks Coat shop on 5^th Avenue.  And what he saw changed his life forever.  Hanging there in the display window was Raspberry’s fur coat.  It had been torn off the Tabby, sewn together, and fabricated to make a children’s sweater.  The store owner came outside after noticing Osmond staring at the display.  He told him that the day before, an old man smoking a cigar brought down the tabby and sold him for $15. Osmond stood there in shock for hours, and then ran into the forest screaming.   

Ever since that tragic day, Osmond has never looked back.  He ran away from home and hasn’t spoken to his family since.  He keeps himself active by organizing annual cheese festivals around Denver.  He is also studying to be a veterinarian. 

He is looking for a girl that can share his passion for helping animals, especially kittens.  He says there will never be anything in the world that can replace Raspberry, but he hopes to love someone the same.  In memory of his beloved cat, Osmond planted a raspberry tree in his back yard.

“I planted it last summer,” he says.  “It sprouted this spring and has been growing the plumpest raspberries I have ever seen.  And it’s just like Raspberry to give me such a wonderful gift.”   

If you would like to meet Danny Osmond, email our Cupid Connector at bzjet@aol.com

HATE MAIL

•I just want to know what makes you such an expert? I see that you are giving people advice and bringing up topics about romance, but have you ever been married? Do you know anything about love? I doubt it.  I’ve been married for seven years now and I know that I could write a better column.

Dave T.

Dave, to be honest I’ve never had a girlfriend.  I’ve always played the field and stayed single.  But I don’t give advice on how to love a woman.  I give advice on how to pick up women, and I talk about the dating lifestyle, not marriage.  I actually encourage you to start your own column about your married life.  I would be interested to see how bad it sucks.  I warn you that if you continue to read my articles, I will end up corrupting your mind, which will soon lead to your divorce.  Then you’ll thank me.
J.M.

•Do you get dumped a lot by girls, because I get the sense that you are very bitter.

Laura P.

- Never been dumped so I can’t really be bitter.  I try to look at both sides of the story when I’m writing, so I’m not sure where you get that impression.  There are certain topics that I feel very strongly about, and I won’t stop myself from expressing my opinion.  Deal with it.
J.M.

FAN MAIL

Jeff,

My friend who goes to Duke University sent me your article a few weeks ago and I have been reading it ever since.  You make me laugh every time.  Those personal ads you do are especially funny.  Everyone at my work reads it too, and we all thank you for the entertainment!

Tom L.

Thanks Tom, I will keep trying to embarrass those poor souls who volunteer to do a personal ad in my column! Thanks for reading. 
-J.M.

Jeff,

I graduated from Metro 2 years ago, and have been checking out The Met
Online for all the updates from school. I came across you article and I
think it is hilarious, which is now the reason I still am checking the
website every week. Anyways just wanted to let you know it is great stuff
and I hope it takes you places after you graduate, and it is good to see a
Ponderosa Alumni out there. I look forward to reading more.

Nate T.

-Thank you Nate! I will continue to do my best at delivering good material for you to read every week.  Thanks for being a reader! Say hi to your bro for me.
-J.M.

Jeff,

I love your article! It’s so funny! Please don’t ever stop writing!

Stacey B.

-Thanks Stacey! I will until I get banned.
–J.M.