insight

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel • I focus on the pain • the only thing that's real • the needle tears a hole • the old familiar sting • try to kill it all away • but I remember everything.   Nine Inch Nails - "Hurt"

Finding the pleasure in the pain of cutting

By Jeremy Johnson
jjohn308@mscd.edu

Although it may seem like an epidemic that has cropped up recently, self-injuring behavior-or SIB-has been going on for hundreds of years and occurs in many different social realms.

The reasons behind SIB can vary, and no single cause is credited as the catalyst for such behavior. Although SIB is more common among people with psychological disorders, it can also be caused by social and biological conditions

"A lot of times when you see cutting, the behavior stems from borderline personality disorder," Carol Granlund, a psychologist at the Lancaster State Prison in California said.

"A person has a lot of issues and turmoil in their life and they turn to cutting to self-medicate," Granlund said.

Cutting can stem anywhere from peer pressure to more taxing issues such as past sexual abuse or an eating disorder. SIB often occurs in a widespread manner and is currently prevalent among adolescent girls in high schools and correctional institutions. SIB can occur in males and adults as well.

Carly*, 17, is a student at and is hoping to graduate from high school next spring. Carly hints that her SIB stems from abuse from her mother's boyfriend when she was young.

"(Cutting) relieves pressure when you're really stressed out," Carly said. "It can relieve tension and it seems to make things more manageable inside your head."

Carly started cutting when she was 12 and did not cut alone for long. In the seventh-grade she found a friend who also cut. "It becomes kind of a fad," Carly said. "It's a sick thing."

"Sometimes, when I cut myself, it's more of a self-demeaning thing," Carly said. "Sometimes I feel like I'm worthless and cutting is a way of punishing yourself."

Carly, like many cutters, appears to be just another normal teenage girl. Her crystal blue eyes certainly show no sign of pain.

Anger, on the other hand, is prevalent. "It has always been wrong in my head to take physical aggression out on other people, so I turn it toward myself," Carly said.

Luke is a 26-year-old collection manager in Cleveland. Unlike Carly, Luke no longer cuts and hasn't done so since 1999, when he was 20. Like Carly, Luke often directed the anger he felt for others toward himself.

"Sometimes I just wanted to hurt someone else, but that's not in me. So I hurt myself," Luke said.

Luke compares cutting to getting a piercing. "You know how it feels when you get a piercing, the needle going through? It kind of hurts, but it feels good at the same time."

Luke said he came from a loving family, free of abuse, but wishes now that they had been stricter with him.

"I love my family and I don't blame them," said Luke, "but sometimes I wish they had paid a little more attention and had shown a little more discipline with me."

Luke also cited drugs and a lack of sleep as the cause of his SIB. Lack of sleep can lead to anxiety, another common cause of SIB.

"I was in this deep hole of despair and I cut a hole in my arm to match it," Luke said, referring to a long night of drug use.

Adults can also suffer from SIB tendencies. For example, Kate is a 32-year-old mother of four who works with the elderly. Kate "went carving" at 12 years old because of an abusive father and the witnessed suicide of her older brother.

"I didn't even know why I was doing it," Kate said. "I was internalizing all the events that happened in my life - all the pain and agony that I didn't know how to deal with in any other way."

At 17, Kate was diagnosed with manic depression and at 20, she started getting tattoos and piercings to quench her SIB. Recently Kate found a questionable alternative for SIB.

Kate is now in a bondage/discipline/sadomasochistic relationship, which she said is "sick and twisted." The only abuse inflicted on her body is by her partner, and it is only done at her will.

"It's not like anything you read in books," Kate said.

"I know that if I need that release I can ask for it," Kate said. "He helps me to work through things."

It is often believed, especially with self-abusers, that cutting their arms where others can see is a cry for attention. Granlund said that, oftentimes, cutters with really severe issues cut their legs and other places that aren't visible in day-to-day activities.

"Sometimes, in a relationship, a person won't know they're with a cutter until they get their clothes off," Granlund said. "But I've seen people so badly cut on their legs that the pattern looks like a zipper all over their body."

Carly doesn't see herself as one of those attention-grabbing girls, but her scars are extremely visible and very "zipper-like" up her left arm. Along Luke's right arm are scars that say "PAIN DEATH DEPRESSION DESPAIR."

Carly claims she can quit any time she wants. But, it is a hard addiction to give up and Granlund compared the urge to that of alcoholics or drug addicts.

"For me, it used to be kind of a coping method," said Carly, "but now it's an addiction. I've come to a point where I quite fancy [cutting]."

Carly, like Granlund, insists that SIB is not deadly. "99 percent of the time, cutting is non-lethal," Granlund said.

Carly maintains that she is now, "OK in the head," but other cutters have chosen to seek help, as Granlund suggests.

Luke was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and, for a short time, sought therapy and took medication.

"You have to have better control of your emotions if you want to get better," Luke said. "If you can't do that on your own, then you should seek professional help."

Granlund says the best way to deal with the problem is usually medication, therapy and talk therapy.

For now, Carly seems determined to turn down help and continue her behavior.

"Realistically, I'm not going to stop. I think if I wanted to stop I could, but it would continue to be there," Carly said.

The Internet is a useful tool for learning more about SIB. There is also a hotline called SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends), which can be reached at 1-800-DONT CUT.

In the meantime, Carly looks only to herself for help.

"I accept myself and I've gotten to the point where I'm cool with it," she said. "I know it's not the prettiest thing in the world to do, but you have to see yourself as beautiful."

Hopefully, someday, she can do just that.

*Due to the nature of the material, only first names were used in this article.

FOR HELP WITH SIB

1-800-DONT CUT

www.selfinjury.com