Abusers disguised as lovers

By Birgit Moran
moranb@mscd.edu

Passion and control can make for lethal bedfellows.

"Dating was just like a honeymoon period; then all of sudden, I had to put on the brakes," said Tina, 37.

These days, Tina, with a thick, gnarly scar running down her neck, sings in a band, holds a good job and speaks out about domestic violence.

"I talked it out with a counselor and I had to listen to myself." She participated in three bad relationships before she changed. But she made it.

"I don't have the tolerance for anyone like that now," she said. "I am an African American female with possibilities and potential," she said. She has two sons, a management position, her own place and says she's finally enjoying her life.

One of her abusers started out as Mr. Wonderful, but became increasingly controlling, asking questions like, "Where you goin'?" or, "How long will it take you?" which seemed innocent enough.

"But, then he'd challenge me when I was a little late," Tina said. "From there it just got worse and worse."

Tina described how "natural" it was to be abused in all ways because of her lifelong exposure to it. She witnessed her mother's abuse by boyfriends. And some of those boyfriends sexually abused Tina from about the age of five.

"Now, I think about what that was like and it makes me really sick," she said, "It's like getting off an intense roller coaster."

More than physical

According to counselors, too many young people have no idea their relationship is heading down the path of abuse. The future victim is often the recipient of admiration, charm and attention and may feel flattered.

"Intimate partner violence is so much more than just physical," said Kristina Matkins, director of community relations and education for SafeHouse Denver, "It can be emotional, financial, verbal and psychological."

Intimate partner violence sometimes starts in high school. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, young women, ages 16 to 24, have the highest rates of intimate partner violence. And, statistically, many will remain in abusive relationships. Mostly because they're just not aware that what's happening isn't healthy.

Matkins regularly speaks at high schools and colleges about domestic violence. After each classroom session, several students contact her about abuse in their lives. Occasionally, she'll hear from a young man who's surprised to hear that what he'd been doing was abusive.

"People don't get into this by choice," Matkins said, "If something doesn't feel comfortable about a relationship, contact a counselor or a hotline."

About one in three college students are, or have been, affected by intimate partner violence, and more than half of college males admit to having sexually assaulted someone, according to the NCVC. But the figure is low because over half of abusive relationships aren't reported.

"The abuser will make the victim feel worse in ways that aren't obvious," said Karen Jackson, a psychologist and domestic violence expert at Metro's Counseling Center.

"And it can be very subtle," she said.

"Anyone could become a victim of domestic violence," Jackson said.

Often after a bad episode, batterers become loving and apologetic. That's just a part of the cycle. Statistics overwhelmingly show that the pattern becomes more volatile as time goes on. The victim's self-confidence erodes and her world gets smaller and smaller over time, Matkins and Jackson said.

Intimate partner violence happens in relationships from all socioeconomic, cultural, religious, ethnic and sexual orientations.

Finding a way out

Brooke, 20, said her friendships suffered because of her boyfriend's demands for time together.

"I just figured this was what I was supposed to do now that I had a boyfriend," she wrote in a letter for the SafeHouse Denver newsletter.

"I thought his words were just constructive criticism," she wrote, "I was in love."

He'd verbally put her down and persuade her not to socialize without him.

"If he allowed it ... I actually felt guilty and selfish," she wrote. "I began to believe what he was saying more and more with each passing day."

She said she felt she needed to put up with it because they were a popular couple on campus. She said she felt too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it with her friends.

As time and the relationship went on she kept justifying his behavior because "Oh, he's just being a guy," Brooke wrote. After 5 months of dating, their relationship became more serious, "and things went drastically downhill from there," she wrote.

Then, the verbal abuse built up to physical abuse-he hit her.

"He immediately apologized and told me he just lost his temper," she wrote. But he blamed her for making him angry.

"I made sure to be careful of what I said around him," she wrote.

After she became pregnant she thought there was an opportunity for change.

"Maybe now that we were going to be parents, he would make a complete 180 with how he handled his temper," she wrote. She wanted to have a perfect family.

But that wasn't the case. She said knowing her son was seeing and hearing things no child should have to, she reached out for help and called her mother.

"Something in my mind finally lit up," she wrote. "What I was trying to provide for our son was hurtful, not helpful." She reached out for help. Her mother called SafeHouse Denver and Brooke took it from there.

She wrote that for the past year she has been receiving the support she needed.

Surviving

When Tina, Georgia, and Brooke were dating, they had no clue about what they were getting into. Their dates were fun, charming and very attentive. That was until the relationships became more serious.

A relationship with an abuser tends to become noticeably more abusive once the couple begins living together or they get married, Jackson said.

Linda Pettit, executive director of Abusive Men Exploring New Directions, said batterers are everywhere.

"They're successful politicians, church deacons, attorneys and more," Pettit said. "These men deny that they're doing anything wrong."

Batterers, who are mostly men, tend to start a relationship with a speed and intensity that their partners might consider flattering, Pettit said.

"These men lie better than people tell the truth," she said.

Tom, a man who, as a child, watched his father abuse his mother, wrote in a letter to AMEND that he had become the person he hated, "As I got older, I was turning into the person that I had learned to hate," Tom wrote.

He said he's spent years in counseling at AMEND, trying to understand that his adult behavior is a choice and that he can change it.

Georgia, 42, has her own business, loves the Grateful Dead and finds herself looking for clues that anyone she meets has been abused. When she notices someone with heavy make-up or sitting timidly, she approaches her and asks if she can help.

She'd like to help younger women see the light before they end up in the same place she was.

Georgia said she'd ask women in these relationships, "How did you feel about yourself when this (abuse) happened?"

Then she'd ask, "What are you going to do to change that?"

Georgia wants to warn others to get out or change it before maltreatment "becomes something you expect."

"The first time you're abused by your partner needs to be the last time," she said, "or else you're setting your own destructive pattern."

Metro students can receive 10 free sessions from the Counseling Center, located on the sixth floor of the Tivoli. Access to Metro's counseling center Website and domestic violence information is available at http://www.mscd.edu/~counsel/selfhelp.htm.

*Due to the nature of the stories, only first names were used, and some were changed to protect the identity of the victims.