|
Last Updated: Oct 22nd, 2008 - 02:58:40 |
Kali, what is the best way to get an A in a class without actually going?
Dear Trifling-Truant,
I became the great ball of wisdom I am today because I read my classroom’s inspiration posters in middle school very closely. What did I learn? I learned that success means going to class regularly, and if an older kid on the playground offers you drugs, you should make them talk to the hand.
Fact of the matter, you need to go to class to get an A, and if you don’t, you’ll be that older kid on the playground trying to make a quick buck off of middle-schoolers. That doesn’t sound like a nice life, now does it?
Kali, what’s the best way to get my boyfriend to, you know, in bed?
Dear Bedroom Codetalker,
I have no idea what “you know” is, and I’m guessing your boyfriend probably doesn’t either.
It could mean you want him to clip your toenails or eat smothered burritos with you in bed, and that’s fine if you’re into that sort of thing.
Just remember that no one can make bizarre bedroom requests for you — this is something you must learn to do on your own. Once you figure out what “you know” really is, then you’ll be able to make all your smothered burrito dreams come true. Take control, and good luck finding your bedroom voice!
Kali, I have a really weird fear of taking the bus, what should I do?
Dear RTD-a-phobe,
I assume you fall into the ever-increasing category of students with a car but bummed out on gas prices.
Let me ask you this: does your Honda Civic have a sign prohibiting dice throwing and ghettoblasters? Probably not. So, get over your fear of the crackheads sitting next to you and enjoy the magical world of public transportation.
If anything, you’ll learn to pinpoint exactly what bodily fluid is the high note in the B.O. cocktail surrounding you, and it may land you a job at the perfume counter in Macy’s someday.
Kali, I’ve never had a thing for older women before, but one of my teachers is making it really hard for me to pay attention in class. Thoughts?
Dear TILF-Lover,
Older women, primarily older teachers, are hot. They know lots of neat things, like how to get AARP benefits and what the best hormone replacement therapies are for hot flashes. But what’s not hot is how their skin pulls away from their body, like, fifty times further than your own does.
Remember Stretch Armstrong? Yeah, sort of like him. Think of this every time you cannot focus on your history lecture. You’ll be getting A’s in no time.
If you have a question for Kali, send it to metroadvice@gmail.com, and it will be answered with clarity and anonymity.
|
|
|
